Country At Heart

"Sign here kid. Slow down and have a nice day."

2008-08-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

FREE AT LAST!! Free at last, thank GOD ALMIGHTY, I'm free at last!!!My last day at my job was yesterday and man is it surreal. I'm really gonna miss all the people I work with, but let me tell you, I won't miss all the drama with my boss(es). It was a good season and I learned a lot of myself and what I need to do in order to better myself. I've learned a lot about how to deal with people, and I've gotten a lot of support for my new career, which I don't get in a lot of places. Of course, I'm not doing it to feel popular. I do it for the free doughnuts. Kidding... I'm doing it because I believe it and I want to make a difference. It's nice to feel like some people understand that. I don't think you could ever really understand the feeling of wanting to lay your life down for someone you don't know, unless you had that feeling and followed it. But at least people are happy for me. That's most important.

School starts in 4 days. Oh man, this is so awesome!

You'd think...

2008-07-29T10:31:00.001-07:00

Since I've been so bored up at the front desk, I'd be writing more. Well, truth is we're supposed to be limiting our computer time. *Wah wah* Plus I've been reading a Tom Clancy book, which takes the same amount of time as a full time job. It's like 800 pages, and even though I read like 100 pages one day last week, it's hard to just read like that, even though I love to read and I'm kind of a speed reader... get to the point already.

So, I FINALLY got my letter from the police academy with all the supplies I need and I bought almost everything I need over the weekend. Boots, uniform pants, gym-style shirt (complete with iron on letters), sweat pants (I even got sweat shorts. Where was I when that happened? It's genius!), all kinds of cool police things. Today I'll be turning in my notice to my current job, which I'm nervous about, but I'm more stoked than anything. .

I'm so ready to do something I want to do than stuck doing what I'm doing now. Does it feel great to help people at my work? Yeah. Does it feel great to complete a huge copy project? Not really. Do I enjoy picking up the pieces of other people's mistakes? Kind of actually... which is good, since I'm gonna be doing that a lot. It's not good though, cause when I think about it, it's almost like I'm a glutton for punishment. My nickname here at work for a while was "Monkey" because an attorney here was snooping in someone else's office while they were gone and I happened to be walking by when he knocked over a plate and it shattered everywhere. I walked in and took the verbal abuse ("Why is that in here? He shouldn't be leaving plates around." I'm sorry, you've mistaken me for someone who cares...) and without being asked to, I picked up the mess. I never even thought about it, I just saw it needed to be done, so I did it. Well, all my co workers heard the crash, so they asked what happened and once I explained it, I realized how subservient I soudned. One of the guys goes, "Did you offer to clean HIS office too? Geez, they have you trained man. Now... Jump Monkey, Jump!"
So everyone would joke when I walked in and scrath themselves going, "Ooooo AHHHAHHHH! Jump monkey, jump!"

Thought I'd share a little inside joke with you...

I might be posting very much for a while, like the rest of the year. School is close and once that starts, I'll have time to study, eat, study, breathe, study and maybe sleep. I'll try to give little updates here and there, but don't be disappointed if it's a while. I'll try to get back in the habit once I get hired on somewhere and things settle down a bit. Love y'all!

The New Sheriff In Town,
Cowboy

Booooooooooooooooooored...

2008-06-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

So our lovely receptionist quit and since I'm the one with the most knowledge... yup. I'm stuck up here. It was supposed to only be for a few weeks, because they had a candidate who wanted to start in the second week of July. Well, she turned down our offer and now I'm stuck up here until they find someone else. I have to say that the job is pretty easy, but how do you engage yourself in a job like this? I answer phones, schedule meetings, and recently I've become a personal waiter. I stamp invoices and count how many calls I answer. Apparently, though I remain speculative and highly doubtful, there are people who WANT to do this for a living. As in, they want this as a career.

How is answering a phone a career? And why the crap would you WANT to do it for the rest of your working, possibly natural, life? No offense if that's what you want, but I'm appaled that anyone with an IQ higher than that of a damp dishrag would want to do this for a living. I can't engage my mind in these type of menial, banal, trite tasks. I can only answer the phone so many ways. I can only pretend to have so many accents. I can only say, "You have the wrong number cause this is a pizza place, not a law firm." before I find it sickening that I'm stuck screening calls like a personal assistant for 80 people. I joke, I joke... I don't actually do those things, but I do have a hard time finding things to keep me occupied. Since I'm chained up here (might as well be literal rather than metaphorical) there's only so many things I can do. I will say that it a nice break, a healthy change of pace. However, I'm not sure I'll feel the same way in another week of being addressed as "Ma'm" or "Cory". (I've been here 3 years altogether and an attorney still calls me Cory. What did I ever do to him?)

The good news is that if everything goes according to plan, I'll be outta here in 7 weeks. Then I'll be answering calls to pull a cat from under a house, throw an unruly and drunk son in jail, and when people think it's a cop's job to tell their kid that if they don't eat their vegetables they'll get arrested. I'm counting the days...

A somber change of tone (if only temporarily)

2008-06-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this as I think, so I apologize that my fingers aren't as fast as my brain...

Some friends of ours (Jamie and I) recently had a child. However, there were lots of complications and the baby, Molly, didn't start crying for 4 minutes. The doctors tested her and tested her for various things like her heart and her brain and found problems with both. She has pulmonary hypertension and irreversible brain damage on both sides equaling 50%. She is blind in both eyes and upon further testing they found an aneurysm in her brain. The doctors say that even if they proceed with dangerous surgeries, she will need as many as 20 to fix the problems they've seen so far. The doctors don't expect her to make it to the weekend. This is our friend's first child. So many questions run through your mind. "Why?" being the most prominent one. Why would a God capable of moving mountains and raising the dead let something like this happen to a child less than a day old? How could a parent make a decision like that to either prolong pain or let nature take from you what you've barely had? It's been a long time since I've been so closely affected by death. I like to think that I don't let things like this affect me, but for some reason this is really shaking me and (if not rattling, at least disturbing) my faith. I know that it's not God's fault. The God I believe in doesn't do things like this for any reason, much less to teach someone a lesson. My question is more, why wouldn't he intervene? I'm not a supreme being, so I'm sure there's more to it than that, but I can still act like I know what's best for the world. I'm so confused and so hurt on a lot of different levels. Like I said, normally things like this don't affect me, but for some reason this really hit home. Probably because I have 2 kids and I don't know what I would do if something happened to them. Forgive me for gushing my feelings, but I need somewhere to put them and I guess a private forum like a blug on the interweb is gonna have to do...

Stay Safe,
Cowboy

Reason 5,367,475 I hate my job. Also referred to as, "Why people call lawyers a**holes."

2008-05-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

Our receptionist is out today doing stuff for school. So I got stuck up at the front desk again. I've finally resorted to reading up here because I can't stand to read one more article about Clay Aiken impregnating a 50 year old woman. (WTF?)
Anyway, one of the first calls I got this morning was from a guy looking for an attorney and he made it abundantly clear that it was an emergency by the tone in his voice. Oh yeah, he also made it clear by saying it was an emergency 4 times before I could get any response out. I called the attorney; no answer. His secretary is gone, so I tell him, "I'm sorry, I can't reach him and his secretary is gone, would you like his voicemail?"
"NO! I NEED to speak to him. Is he in the office today?"
"I don't have any notes about him being gone, but let me have someone look for him."
I call back to my supervisor and have her run upstairs to look for this guy. She tells me that he's not in today. I tell homeboy, he's not in and try to ask him if there's someone else who might be able to help him. I get interrupted and told, "Look! This is very important and I want you to listen very carefully to me." At this point, I'm ready to just hang up the phone and quit, but for whatever I continued to endure being spoken to like a retarded 4 year old with a hearing problem.
"Are you listening to me? This is what I need you to do. I'm a client! You received a fax from WIPO..."
I know what WIPO stands for, but he proceeds to spell it out and then slowly pronounce each syllable of the full name. Still fighting the urge to scream the first expletive that entered my mind coupled with a random noun-adjective pairing like "monkey-licking" I continued to listen. "I NEED that fax sent to so and so, spelled ..... and ME the CLIENT spelled...."
Now I'm plotting the ways to butcher the names and make it look like someone else sent the faxes.
"So I need a partner or someone who can make that happen. Do you understand me?"
My first instinct is to say, "I'm sorry, I don't speak English." with no accent at all. However, I give in and say, "Yes, let me see if I do that for you."
Long story long, I find the fax and say, "I have the fax in my hand, what are the fax numbers I need to send this to?" Apparently he's shocked that I was intelligent enough to accomplish such a monumental task, like reading the name on a fax...
"You found it? You have it? It's from WIPO? W-I-P-O? World.... In-tell-ec-tual... Prop-er-ty... Or-gan-i-za-tion?"
"Yes, what numbers do I need to send it to?" I answered with as much sarcasm as I could muster feeling proud of showing this pompous windbag that you don't need a law degree to have a functioning brain. So Mr. Dumbass tells the person behind him, "Hey! Leo! The young lady on the phone here has it. What's your fax number?"
Never in my life have I been so humiliated and angry at the same time. How did I not even have the gonads to correct him by telling him I'm a man? No idea. I figured it wasn't worth my time. I hear that patience is essential to being a cop. I'm guessing this will only serve to help me when I'm being yelled at and called, "a pig who uses excessive force on poor helpless people cause I got picked on in school and need to bully someone to make up for a lack of sack." Then I get to help when they call 911 cause that same helpless person has broken into their house and held a gun to their head, but now they're angry cause, "the 5-0 ain't never around when you need 'em."

God I can't wait for it... seriously, I'm counting the days. If I quit when I'm thinking I will, it's exactly 75 days away. The question is do I have the patience to make another 75 days... only time will tell.

Peace out

Back to school, back to school...

2008-05-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

Hooray! There were three things left for me to give to the police academy in order to be completely ready. I took my birthday off work and got all of them taken care of in just a couple hours. I'm so excited that I've finally gotten this stuff done. Since I was at the college I talked with Financial Aid about increasing the amount of loans I'm getting. My award letter originally said that I would get roughly $4600 for the fall and $4600 for the spring. The academy ends in December i.e. before the spring semester and I don't plan on failing, so that money for spring is kinda useless. I explained my situation and despite some initial miscommunication, I'll end up getting all of the money for fall! WOOHOO!!! So instead of having to eat Ramen and live in a cardboard castle behind Safeway while I go to school, we can actually afford most of our current lifestyle. I'll just have to stop drinking that $70 dollar bottled water and eating caviar for every meal...
What three things you ask? Well, I had to get a copy of my driving record, a background check from CBI, and a physical exam. All good news from those. I got a ticket last year, but before that it had been 5 years. CBI shows nothing under my name meaning I've never been in trouble and never been arrested. Physical? Of course a female doctor performed it leading to much embarrassment on my part. Alas, I no longer have to worry about there being any unknown health problems including breast or testicle cancer. TMI? Good.

Alright, I'm gonna continue my slow decay sitting up at the front desk watching the phone not ring. I surfed to the end of the inter-web yesterday, so now I'll work my way back...

Peace out

I hate concussions...

2008-05-07T15:01:00.001-07:00

They hurt, they make you feel nauseous and they make you feel stoopid. That's all the energy I can muster today.

Peace out suckers...

Waiting on my world to change...

2008-05-05T15:40:00.000-07:00

When you know that you're gonna go vacation in Hawaii, it's really really hard to stay optimistic when you're in Fargo, North Dakota freezing your assets off. I use this offbeat analogy to describe the way I feel about working when I know I'm going to the academy. I'm freezing in Office Space hell and awaiting me is the excitement of thousands of push ups, sit ups, pull ups and other ups, hundreds of tests and thousands upon thousands of reports and paperwork!! How will I ever get there? I don't know, but my paradise awaits me...

(I take no responsibility for anything said in this blog as I sustained a head injury last night in my softball game. Don't worry, I got to 1st base OK and because my head threw the ball off course, a runner scored. No softballs were injured in the making of this.)

What now you ask?

2008-04-23T07:25:00.000-07:00

Here's the answer:

I'm attending an academy that Arapahoe Community College puts on at it's campus. So it's just like going to school, I'm taking out loans to pay for it and applying for grants. The departments who would have paid for me to go through the academy (and paid me while I was attending) required 60 semester hours and I only have half of that right now. After a lot of research it just made more sense to go through a school because I can choose what department I want to work for in the end. Along with the stuff I mentioned in the last post, I have to go back and talk to Financial Aid and see if I can take out more loans since I won't be able to work while going to school. The director of the academy showed me the schedule for last year and it was 6 days a week with classes at night too. Sometimes they schedule things on the day off like when they cancel classes and need to reschedule or there is just a lot of curriculum to go over. It's gonna be an intense 16 1/2 weeks, but I'm so stoked and I can't wait for the challenge. I actually get a little teary eyed when I think about graduating. Of course, I cried at the movie, "Stuart Little", so that's not saying much, but know that I'm VERY EXCITE!!!!

Drumroll please......

2008-04-22T07:15:00.001-07:00

You're looking at the newest member of the Arapahoe Community College's Police Academy!!! I guess you're reading, not looking, but you get the point.

I have to get a physical, fingerprinted, and submit a copy of my driving record, but once that stuff clears, I'm in!!!!!

How did I get cream cheese on my forehead?

2008-04-18T07:27:00.000-07:00

The attorneys at our work are nice enough to buy us bagels every Friday; they're even nice enough to buy us cream cheese! Well, I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror as I left and there was a streak of strawberry cream cheese on my forehead near the hairline. Obviously I was veeeeery hungry...

Great success!!!

2008-04-14T13:36:00.000-07:00

I have an appointment with the detective in charge of interviewing potential academy students Monday the 21st at 1:00. VERY EXCITE!!! Send good thoughts, pray, burn incense, WHATEVER IT TAKES!!! Do it.

Police Academy update

2008-04-03T15:58:00.000-07:00

So I have completed my application and now all that's left is an interview with the Academy Director. Scaaaary. Hopefully that will go well and they'll offer me a spot. Wish me luck!

Stay away from the Reid kids

2008-04-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

No new haircut, I wimped out

2008-04-02T15:19:00.001-07:00

I am using a new hair product though and no hairspray. That's a good change though right?

New haircut?

2008-03-28T13:43:00.001-07:00

Since I'm feeling the need to change lots of things in my life, I'm gonna considering a new haircut also. I've had my current "style" since I was 15 or 16, and I think it's kind of out of style now. I'm gonna look at some other hair dos, so if you have any suggestions, let me know...

Possibly a Mohawk? Mullet? Put them together for a Mull-hawk?

Want a million dollars?

2008-03-27T13:57:00.000-07:00

If you can find an efficient algorithm for an NP-complete problem, the Clay Math Institute in Cambridge will give you a million dollars. Alright, get to work...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P_versus_NP

Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?

2008-03-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

So my wife has been asking me to shave my mustache for a while now. Now a little history is needed to understand how big this is. I haven't shaved my mustache, EVER. The closest I've been is trimming it really short and that was by accident while experimenting with a new electric razor. I also nearly lost an eyebrow that morning. Any who, I brought up the idea to a friend at my work and she was convinced that I should do it. She said that my only options were to shave it off or grow it long so that I can look evil and dastardly when I twirl the ends of it. Her brother is a musician, and I told her that if he would write a song about my stache, I would shave it. Well, being that I am at times ridiculously impulsive, I shaved it off anyway. This was the same night I got a new set of reading glasses. Since I was advised to wear them when I read, work on the computer and even drive at night. I find myself wearing them a lot. In the spirit of change, I'm trying to decide if there is anything else I should change about my look. Any ideas?

I can't seem to upload the song here, so if you want to hear "Mustache Time" by Brad Zygai, give me your email address and I'll send it to you.

So bloody bored

2008-03-20T15:44:00.000-07:00

I'm so bored, I can't even think straight. My humor tank has been emptied trying to salvage this stupid excuse for a "day". I need a drink. It's not even 5 o'clock. Look something shiny! Later...

Unchain my heart... actually, I'd prefer my butt being unchained from this chair...

2008-03-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck up here at the front desk of my work. Trapped. Trapped like a rat. Actually, rats require a bribe, like food, to be trapped. I'm trapped like a fin-less fish on the beach. I want to get out and enjoy the outdoors. Literally, anything out side of doors. The freaking sidewalk would be a welcome change...

My supervisor is gone so I'm stuck working from 7:30 to 5. Typically I'm too busy to get a full lunch and work about 10 hours a day. Then I get to go home and I'm with my kids and wife until 8 or 8:30 at which point I've been awake for almost 16 hours and can barely keep my eyes open long enough to make sure I don't poke my eye out with the remote and accidently change the channel with my fork. I can't wait for the day when I can have alone time in my patrol car and just think for a few mintues every know and then. I like being busy and I love my family, but my alone time nowadays is less than nothing. I can't even pee without my son barging in or someone at work waiting outside the stall door saying, "By the way, I wanted to ask you... (insert project with outrageous numbers and requirements in impossible time period)"

What have I become?

2008-03-13T07:07:00.001-07:00

If you've read more than 1 post on here, you'll know that I'm not normal. In fact, one of my biggest pet peeves is being lumped into some generalized group set within certain confines. Something about begin so easily defined really irks me. I'm a complicated person and I don't fit into those kind of parameters. There are times when I say things or do things that even has my wife going, "Huh?" and she knows me better than anyone. There are times when I find myself doing things simply to NOT fit in. However, Tuesday night at 8:59, that all changed...
I gave in, gave up and went along with the crowd. Yes mom, all my friends jumped off the bridge and I jumped too. I fit in the box now, I can now take personality tests in crappy magazine and feel like it describes me to a "t". I can read studies and know that I am one of 67% of people who do this when this happens.
What did I do you ask?
I'm afraid to tell because you may never look at me the same.
Promise not to laugh.
PROMISE!!!
Pinky swear?
Ok, here it is:
I voted for my favorite American Idol.
OH MY HELL!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!?! May God forgive me and have grace on my soiled soul...

You have the right to remain BURNED!!!!

2008-03-10T13:47:00.000-07:00

Someone found this in a University Parking lot...
Glad she just left a note. Imagine if she had waited by this chick's car for her! She'd probably take a tire iron to her...

Suspended? I've never even heard that word in the same sentence as my name...

2008-03-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

So I joined my brother's hockey team a few months ago, and boy was that a wake up to how out of shape I am. I've been exercising a lot more, and my stamina is about twice as much as it used to be, but I didn't realize how in shape my brother is to do all that. He's a freak of nature to skate for an hour at 110%, literally. Now, for those of you who know, I stopped playing hockey after I lost 2 teeth not too long before my sixteenth birthday. However, I've been coaching my brother's team for a long time and he really wanted me to join his team, and reluctantly I did. My brother is the best player on the team, and while I'm nowhere NEAR as good as he is, I'm not in the bottom half either. I'm a fence straddler...
My first game, I played defense cause I didn't have the stamina to keep going up on offense and then back checking on defense. I got burned 3 times and had three goals scored when my line was out. Then someone told me that's the opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing. "Wait, I'm NOT supposed to let them score? CRAP!". I like to call that "Things that would have been nice to know yesterday." My brother gave me some pointers and showed me a few things, which is weird cause I've been teaching him since he was 7 or 8. But the kid's good and I'm not gonna argue with someone who will play professional roller hockey next year, and will probably play in the junior Olympics. I may be dumb, but I ain't stoopid. The next game I broke up 6 or 7 plays including a few 2 on 1's, pulled a Sidney Crosby style move faking out a defense man by turning my back to him, bouncing the puck off the boards, and spinning around him, and later in the game, scored a back handed goal. I was really looking forward to last night's game and hoping to score at least one more goal. Well, we played a team called the Colorado Cons, and not as in con-artists. My player says that one of the guys just got out of jail for murder, no joke. Hmmmm... kinda scary, but ok. I played a solid 4 minutes in the first period and then I went out for the last 3 or so minutes of the period. Well, time's up and the whistle blows. My brother has the puck on the boards and this guy takes both hands and hits him in the back of the head, face first into the glass. (Quick interruption; this league? It's for adults, but not like professional adults. It's an adult rec league, but in reality it's a league for people who've never played and some people who are kinda good.) My brother takes one hand and shoves the guy(#43) off. #43 grabs my brother's stick and hits him across the stomach and starts swinging on him with one hand, and drops the stick trying to grab my brother's jersey to pull him into his punches with the other. I immediately skate over and shove #43 and he hits me in the face mask. What seemed like an eternity later, the referees showed up and pulled us apart. He got thrown out for that game and his next game. The bad news? The rink has a no tolerance policy for fighting and established a "3rd man in" rule for fighting; basically stating that if you enter a fight as the 3rd man, it's an immediate game misconduct and a "game and a game" suspension, interpreted: I got thrown out of last night's game and tonight's game. Major suckness. I'd like to think that if I knew I was going to get thrown out, I would have just shot in on the guy, taken him to the ground and beat his head in; but I know that's not the truth. I'm not that kind of person, I just wanted to protect my brother, which is why I never threw a punch. In reality, I never even connected much with my shoves, I just distracted him long enough for my brother to skate off and get the refs in. I'm upset that I'm missing the game tonight, but I'm glad that I was able to protect my brother. He's a crap-load bigger than me, but he's a total softy. He never even threw a punch either, he was just gonna keep dodging them til the refs came. My fear was that this guy just wanted to take him out of the game by hurting him, so I stepped in. I'm not a brawler, but I know that one day soon, when I'm a cop, there's gonna be a lot of fights I'll be in, and I'm kinda glad that I got a little experience and I'm not afraid to defend those who can't (in this case won't) defend themselves. That's my heart-touching story of the day... later.

If music were the language we spoke...

2008-03-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

I think a normal conversation would sound something like this:

"Hello? Is it me you're looking for?"
"Should I stay or should I go?"
"Please stay."
"This ain't a scene, it's an arms race."
"I'll be watching you."
"I can't stop loving you."
"My heart will go on."

Please feel free to continue this conversation.

It's important to laugh... especially when you can identify with some of these.

2008-03-06T07:12:00.001-08:00

I hate sick people

2008-03-06T07:03:00.000-08:00

Sick people are the most miserable people on the face of the earth. They're always whining about how everything hurts, "I don't want to get up", make me chicken soup, rub my feet, waaaah waaaah wahhhh... yeah, you guessed it, I've finally succumb to this ungodly flu going around. I was doing so good keeping it at bay, but my body and my mind disagreed on that apparently. Crapdamn. As I write this I'm sucking down Alkaseltzer like it was the cure for cancer. Maybe I can make the best of a crappy situation and figure out a way to infect those who irritate me today. Beware office companions of the random misplaced tissue today... *bwa ha ha ha* (cough) (cough) (hacking lung biscuits) (CHOKING!!) SOMEONE HELP! Never mind, it was just a loogie the size of a croquet ball. I'm good... for now.

Call it an angel, call it a muse...

2008-02-29T07:02:00.001-08:00

That's the first chorus line of my favorite song ever. After that it says, "Call it karma that you've got comin' to you, what's the difference? What's in a name? What matters most is never ever losin' faith. Cause it's gonna be alright, you're not alone tonight." I've really had to follow that advice over the last couple of days. I had given up on my search to find a police department that will put me through the academy and just applied to Arapahoe Community College's academy. The college accepted me, now I'm waiting to hear from the academy itself. However, someone told me two days ago that Hilo (Hawaii's capital) is looking for cops. In fact, they are so desperate, they're offering to advance people to their chosen field (narcotics, homicide, SWAT, etc.) within 2 years, pay you $600 to drive your personal car on patrol, pay $1,000 a year for your weapon and all other kinds of benefits. Plus it's freaking Hawaii. However, the cost of living is about 50% higher than out here and the salary is only 7% higher. I'm not a math wiz, but that's a big difference. Plus, we love the church we going to, and all the friends we have made recently and it would be really difficult to leave them. At this point, I've decided it would be wiser to go to school and try to get on a department here. Don't ask me why I think it's wiser, because I really want a fresh start and what better place than Hawaii? I'm not exactly happy with the decision right now, but I'm hoping eventually that I'll feel like I made the wise choice.

BEST GAME EVER

2008-02-14T08:56:00.000-08:00

So my best friend's brother designs and tests video games. I know, best job ever right? Well, I went over to my friend's house to play the newest game he's been working on. It's called "Pain" and appropriately so. The goal of the game is to launch your character into things from a giant slingshot and the more damage you cause the city and the more pain you inflict on your character, the better. Why is it so funny to put your character through such things? If you don't think it's funny, stop reading and never come back. The only way that this game could be better is if you could upload pictures of people you loathe. I think it would be a much healthier way to deal with your anger than going postal. Plus it's a lot more fun when you play the game with the guy who helped design it, because when doesn't do what you think it should, you have a face to be angry at. Play this game. No excuses. Don't have a Playstation? Me neither. You don't hear me making excuses...

I'm so ashamed...

2008-02-14T08:37:00.001-08:00

I went out to help a friend last night, because her dog made a hole in the kitchen floor of the house she's trying to move out of. So I went over to help her lay down new tiles. It took a while, but it was great to see her and we had fun doing it. However, I didn't eat before and was starving when I was done. I got home at almost 9 and was too lazy to make anything, so I broke the 11th commandment for the second time this month and had a Hot Pocket. Hell hath no fury like a 7 month old Hot Pocket....

Why it's better to just eat less and exersize more...

2008-02-04T13:12:00.001-08:00

Here's one person's explanation of the side effects of the diet pill Alli

(Beware: Profanity throughout, his word's, not mine. But still freaking hilarious.)

Alli is a new over-the-counter weight-loss pill which, predictably enough, has proven to be a massive best-seller from the moment it became available. The drug, manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline, reportedly works by blocking the absorption of excess fats by the body. And folks are waddling, not walking, to their local drug stores for a chance to start on the Alli "program."

As is the case with most drugs, Alli comes with a risk of certain side effects. Or, as they're known on the company website, treatment effects.

A person is reportedly limited to 15 grams of fat per meal, and if they go over (or even if they don't), there's a significant chance they'll find themselves out behind a shopping center somewhere, crying and clutching a wad of horrifyingly soiled undergarments, searching for a place to ditch it.

As best as I can tell, anyway...

Since a lot of this stuff is couched in language that is technically truthful, but very carefully worded, I've taken it upon myself to go through the list of side (treatment) effects and warnings, and translate it all into layman's terms.

I'm no scientist or doctor, and don't pretend to have any special knowledge. I'm just a person who's fairly good with words and reading between the lines... The highlighted phrases below are direct quotes from the Alli website, with my translations in between.

Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.

Here the drug makers are trying to soothe the nerves of the skeptical fatty, by speaking their language. Pizza is something fatties understand, and a big part of the reason they’re interested in Alli to begin with. Pizza is good, pizza is reassuring… even when it’s flowing from your ass like molten lava.

The website mentions seeing the undigested fat in a toilet, but that’s clearly a best case scenario. You might also see it on the tops of your shoes, across the hood of a car, or way up the shower curtain, near the loops.

The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects.

Bowel changes. Notice how they phrase that? It means stuff will be happening the likes of which you could never have imagined. It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.

You may get:

gas with oily spotting

You’ll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers…

loose stools

and having violent chipped beef explosions...

more frequent stools that may be hard to control

all the time, with a sphincter that can no longer be counted as a friend.

Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. Limit fat intake in your meals to an average of 15 grams.

The McDonald’s Big Mac has 34 grams of fat, and the Burger King Whopper has 40. Eat either of these while taking Alli, and you’ll very likely be transformed into a diarrhea cannon.

Learning how to manage treatment effects is an important part of being successful with alli. Here's how to take control:

Start trimming fat from your diet now, even before you begin taking alli. Then pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect. Make the timing work for you. If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over

Blowing liquid feces down a row of bridesmaids, for instance, could be viewed negatively in certain circles. Further, an unexpected bout of the power-squirts while riding “The Bullet” at the county fair might not ingratiate you with your friends. Or anyone on the fairway. Or the folks in the parking lot walking to their cars.

While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings

You see, when you think about it, shitting yourself is actually a positive.

You can't "save fat grams" from lunch and "spend them" at dinner. Spread your daily fat gram allowance of 15 grams on average per meal over the whole day

Cheating can lead to embarrassment, tears, and the introduction of a frantically constructed toilet paper crack-wedge in the bathroom of an Applebee's. It’s simply not worth it.

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work

Until you get the hang of it, you should probably take along a rolling suitcase full of brown clothes everywhere you go, while taking Alli. Luckily, however, turd-colored clothing is in this season; turd is the new vomit.

If co-workers ask about it, there is no shame in telling the truth. You might be surprised how understanding folks can be if you simply say, “I dress like this to conceal the poop that's constantly soaking through the seat of my pants.”

You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

Showboating is not recommended.

You can use a food journal to recognize what foods can lead to treatment effects. For example, writing down what you eat may help you learn that marinara sauce is a better option than Alfredo sauce

In addition to a handcart full of extra pants designed to camouflage your anal leakage, it might also be a good idea to carry a schematic and information wheel, so you don't repeat past mistakes and have a treatment effect halfway up your back.

I hope this information has proven to be valuable.

The 11th commandment

2008-01-29T15:05:00.000-08:00

NEVER under any circumstances, no matter how tempting the pictures look, should you eat any of the following: Hot Pockets, Chef Boyardee or anything with more than a teaspoon of curry. Your intestines will thank me later...

I was home alone the other day and wasn't very committed to making a big lunch, so I cracked open a can of Chef Boyardee remembering those days as a kid when that's all you would eat. I thought I was going to hurl at the first smell, but I still didn't have enough energy to make something else that would take too much effort, ya know like PB&J. So I forced myself to eat the greasy mess that sat in my lap.

There are few things in this life I regret as much as that decision. No mental image needed.

Need a laugh?

2008-01-26T10:28:00.000-08:00

I never pass up a good opportunity to laugh, and this one is worth it. Read through these product descriptions.

http://www.biogenesis.us/products.htm

I have no idea who these guys are, but I'm wondering if the site is joke or what. At any rate, it's always good to know there are people who are more crazy than you think you are...

Don't ask this ninja... ANYTHING!!

2008-01-26T09:50:00.000-08:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=5zvif6WWdSg

Or any of these guys: (The second to last guy is my favorite)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_NQCTbvRnM&NR=1

But you could probably get some cool answers from this ninja. Holy Toledo Balls... I'm dizzy just watching...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=D2kJZOfq7zk&feature=related

Sad, but true...

2008-01-25T07:57:00.000-08:00

http://www.videogamesblogger.com/2008/01/22/
world-of-warcraft-hits-10-million-users-worldwide-
making-it-the-82nd-biggest-country-in-the-world.htm

That's right, if you took all the people who played World Of Warcraft and put them in a country (I know, I'm scared too...) they would be the 82nd largest country in the world. Larger than Hungary. It would be a sad little country and I'm assuming 99.134 percent of that population would be 16-35 year old males, all of whom are virgins and have not seen the sun, ever. When they become the 69th largest country, I'll be shopping for a bomb shelter. They aren't a very stable people them Warcrafters...

"You're impressed with yourself aren't you?" "Who wouldn't be?"

2008-01-24T10:29:00.000-08:00

So my manager is in a bad mood today because I made a joke at her expense yesterday. She had to leave the room, because 3 of us were laughing too loud and we were, in her words, "driving me crazy!" Being the quick witted genius that I am, I interjected with, "How do you know that wasn't our goal?" She replied that it was working and slammed the door as she left. I took that to mean, "I don't appreciate good humor." Maybe that's not what it meant, but hey, it's my reality, I'll do with it as I please...

This morning I came in to find an email from one of my co-workers saying that my boss had yelled at her for not acting professional enough and turning a serious statement into a joke and how that was childish. Right, because joking is childish, but taking out your anger on someone who had nothing to do with this problem and not talking to the person that made you mad IS mature. Ok, I'll make sure to write that down.

I've always been the kind of person to poke and prod at people I enjoy being around. I'm a very sardonic guy and I have a somewhat darkly sarcastic sense of humor and I make fun of people I like. Just ask my wife. I'm just not sure why this one person has taken such an offense to me. She says she wants me to include her and communicate with her and when I do, she gets her grannie panties in a wad. I don't suffer fools here at work and when she makes a mistake I point it out and then she's upset with me and says I don't treat her with respect. So I don't say anything and then she's mad that I don't teach her. I just can't win. I feel like the freaking Miami Dolphins...

The dungeon...

2008-01-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong. I really honestly enjoy parts of my job, and I do have to stress "parts". Working with the people here (most of them anyway) is a lot of fun. We laugh together, get angry at the same pinheads together, and just enjoy each other. However, the monotony is wearing on me. Dealing with my supervisor has pushed me to the edge and the fact that her supervisor has turned a blind eye to her potentially dangerous shortcomings makes me wonder whether it's worth staying another 7 months. Should I work for Denver, the department so corrupt I swore I wouldn't work there to get away from her? Or do I stick it out, go to school and chalk this up to a lesson in patience and pray I never deal with it again? I don't know the answer, but every day I lean more and more towards walking away... we'll see what happens.

Happy New Year!!!!

2008-01-02T08:56:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm glad it's a new year. Spare a few good moments, the last one sucked pretty hard...

I'm looking forward to '08 and here's a quick list of my resolutions:
1. Baby-free in '08. No more children for a while. I want to have 4, but not anytime soon. Besides my wife would kill me. That's not a euphemism, she has threatened to kill me if she gets pregnant in the next 12 months. I can do that, I enjoy living...
2. Get back to my fightin' weight. I'm steadily losing weight and I want to keep it up. I need to be in great shape for the academy and I want to not have to worry about the physical part of it.
3. Run a mile every day. I used to do that, and since it's gotten cold, I've been slacking. Need to do that again.
4. Update blog more. See, I'm already doing good on that one...
5. Not break the law. Haven't had problems so far, but you never know. Besides, they say you have to have easy resolutions so you feel like you accomplish something. So let's add, no smoking, no gay sex, and no gender reassignments. Pretty simple, I should be able to accomplish those things...
6. Spend more time with the family. Yeah, yeah, we all say that, but I really do want to.

That's all I can think of for now, I'll be back for more later...

Thoughts about minimum wage workers

2007-12-18T08:14:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or does it seem like minimum wage equals minimum brain function? Don't get me wrong, I had a minimum wage job. But I like to think that I didn't answer questions with such dumb retorts as the one I'm about to explain.

First of all, the wife, kiddles and I went to Colorado Mills to finish our Christmas shopping on Saturday along with 10,000 of our closest friends. Being a human being and needing food to sustain life, I decided that it was time for little snack-a-roo. The Mills has this place called The Great Steak and Potato Company, just trust me; they have earned every word of their title. In fact, it should be the "Fan-freaking-tastic-super-awesome-unbelievable-outrageously-amazing Steak and Potato Company. They told me they'd think about changing their name to that. Anyway, for some ungodly reason my wife didn't want a delicious steak sandwich with a side of enormous fries and cheese dipping sauce and asked for Burger King instead. Mistake number one: choosing Burger Fairy over Steak...

As the wife did some shopping, I help my son who was fascinated by all the noises and lights and constantly screaming, "DA!! DOH!!!". I have no clue what that means, but he was excited. I stood in the same place in line for almost 5 minutes. I was ready to jump ship and flaunt my wife's decision, however I decided that I like sleeping in my bed and that I should get her what she wants even though during that 5 minutes absolutely nothing looked good to me. I know, I'm a great husband...

After waiting in line for almost 10 minutes, I finally got the opportunity to order. I repeated my order twice and was charged correctly. Learned that by trying to order from someone who spoke no english. Always repeat what you ordered, always. So as I tried to fill my drink, I found that ice was not present. Like an idiot I stood there in desperate hope that maybe pressing the button several times would make ice magically appear to my dismay. I gave up my quest for coldness and waited ever so patiently for my order. I got my food and sat down with my family to enjoy our cheap, lukewarm meal. (I'm not bitter at all) As I bit into my burger I realized that it had no bacon or cheese despite the fact that the name of the burger has the words, "Bacon" and "Cheese" in it. I went back and waited for someone to pay attention long enough to bring my complaint. "This is supposed to be an Angus Bacon and Cheese and this is a regular Angus." The response I got?

"So do you want Bacon and Cheese on it?"

What's a good answer to such an inane question?
A: "No, I just wanted to point out that you got my order wrong and I'm happy about that."
B: "Actually, I just wanted Ketchup and Mayo instead. I really didn't want the Bacon and Cheese, just the condiments on the Angus Bacon and Cheese."
C: "I was thinking and what I really want is for you to drop, give me twenty pushups, and think through what you just asked me while you're kissing the ground. Let's go, count 'em out. One, up. Two, up. Get that butt down. Three, up..."
D: "Are you serious?"
E: Act like a pathetic wimp and say, "Yes, please".

As you probably guessed, I chose "E". Hopefully in cyberspace the moron who asked me if I really wanted Bacon and Cheese on my Angus Bacon and Cheese will read this and pass it on to all of his lackies...

THE CHRISTMAS PARTY!!!

2007-12-13T13:42:00.000-08:00

Wow, was that fun. Two songs describe the party, "I ain't never had too much fun" and "The more I drink, the more I drink".

Further details not needed.

8 Minutes

2007-12-13T12:56:00.000-08:00

While I ate new delicious Quizno's Lil' Sammie, I noticed that the parking meter in front of me had 8 minutes still on it and there was no one parked in front of it. At first I was perplexed, why would you waste that 10 cents? You really couldn't stay parked for another 8 minutes? Where's the fire?

Then I thought to myself, why don't I do some people-watching, my all-time favorite past time. So here's what I saw in 8 minutes:

First of all I had a weird flashback to the Quizno's sponge monkeys (pictured). I'm so happy that these little demon spawn no longer pollute the airwaves with their songs and weird bouncing antics. K, so back to what I witnessed watching humanity race by for 480 seconds...

A guy with a Santa Claus beard who parked in "the spot" for all of 30 seconds and then decided to leave.

1 Jeep with lots of accessories for mud-holin' and 4 wheeling, but no dirt or mud on it. I like to think that he just likes to clean it when he's done. I mean, it's a Jeep thing. I wouldn't understand, right?

Another person park in "the spot" and pick up 2 people who seemed very happy to see him who also left quickly thereafter. Not sure why they were so happy, I'm still working on a theory that involves some funny combination like a pogo stick and a monkey wearing pantyhose...

One lady who stopped talking with the man she was walking with to eye my Sammies (grrrrrr..... keep walking)

2 identical Land Rovers (same color even) driving side-by-side as the drivers stared at jaw-dropped-amazement at each other. I'm not a businessman, but maybe in some crazy scheme to make a profit they made more than 1 cream colored Land Rover? So I guess that means I also witnessed 1 near accident since they weren't looking where they were going.

1 young businessman trying to impress some prospective clients with his shiny new suit and shoes. He should have tailored the suit though cause the pants were too short and revealed that he was wearing one brown sock...

Yet another car park in "the spot". This time, the man driving parked and his wife pointed as something so he turned back into traffic and nearly hit a woman turning the corner. Make that 2 near accidents. She saluted him with one finger but he was too focused on pleasing his angry wife to notice...

1 lady giving a hobo a ride. How nice. I mean, he shouldn't have to walk to take his "Need Money For Food" change to buy a bottle of Jack Daniel's...

3 different people smoking. I guess with all the bans this will be a rarity soon. I with they would just get it over with and ban everything else that's fun but bad for you. No more red meat, grease, sugar, milk, alcohol (that "Prohibition" thing turned out great...), sex and Chinese finger traps. I hate smoking, don't get me wrong. I hate the smell; I hate that I smell when someone else decides to suck down a cancer stick, but I don't get my panties in a wad. Let em smoke! The only reasons provided for banning it are that it's unhealthy and annoying to people around them. Again, drinking and eating chili aren't healthy and annoying to the people around you. Cowboy up and git yer nose out of other people's lungs...

A guy in a black Lincoln park in "the spot", look around look at his watch, wait 5 seconds and then leave. Again, I'm looking on the bright side and hoping that he was just in a hurry and not a drug dealer. He looked like Sam Eagle from the Muppet's, he couldn't be a drug dealer...

Santa Claus Beard guy and Jeep guy drive by the window again. Hmmmm.....

TIME!!! During that little exercise I also witnessed approximately 58 "normal" people just going about their daily business, one of them carrying a concealed handgun (not doing a good job), 3 tripping on the same crack in the sidewalk, 15 on cell phones and/or iPod (one guy actually pulled one ear phone out and answered his phone. How can you do both at the same time?), and no one seeing what I saw...

Sometimes you just have to stop and watch the freaks. I mean, how else do we stay sane?

Too long for a comment

2007-12-06T14:32:00.001-08:00

Maria, you are the furthest thing from alone. I feel EXACTLY the way you do. It's so frustrating to feel like you want to do something so bad but you can't, and you don't know what to do in the interim. I am so frustrated with my job right now and my boss, it makes me want to scream (which is what I usually do when I'm in my car alone). I think about being a cop all day, every day. I'm feel hopeful waking up knowing that I'm one day closer to the academy, but sick at the same time that it's not today. I wish you the best and hope that you find whatever it is that you're looking for. I'm still looking too...

I'm running out of material...

2007-11-27T13:30:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I can't update this everyday, but I'm afraid I'm not nearly as interesting as I make myself out to be. I'm pretty boring and all of my posts pretty much sum me up. Yup. Wow, that's a disappointing realization.

Back on a more positive note, my company's Christmas Party is almost here!! WOOHOO!! That means I get to go and eat reeeeeally nice food, have a few adult beverages (I do mean a few, I never want to be drunk. There's no way I'm gonna end up in a tub full of ice missing a kidney...), and hang out with good friends on someone else's dime. Plus, it's in San Francisco which is actually pretty nice and lots of fun.

We're going to be moving in with Jamie's sister and her husband on account of the fact that we can't pay our mortgage. Thanks a lot John Toole!! That's the ass-clown who put us in an ARM loan and didn't tell us that it would go up $500 in 2 years. I really hope that he meets an untimely and humiliating demise. Like, getting stuck in a dog door for 9 days. Or choking on a ball point pen. I mean, 11 people die a year from that alone. Can he be one of them?
(Side note: here's an interesting question my wife asked me last night. If you're more likely to die in an ATV accident, falling down your stairs, or of extreme cold than you are likely to die in a place crash; then why do so many musicians die in plane crashes? Aaliyah, Big Bopper, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Buddy Holly, Otis Redding, Randy Rhoads and Stevie Ray Vaughan to name a few...)

Anyway, we'll probably be moving in with them soon and be there anywhere from 6 months to a year. Hopefully I can attend the academy in the fall. Since I won't be able to work during the academy, I need to save as much money as possible. We like Janna and Joel, so hopefully it will be a good time living with them.

I dream about being a cop. It's almost all I think about anymore. Enough said.

I also want to get a motorcycle so that I can save on gas when I drive to school since it's in Aurora, which is a ways out there. Wife says, "Do you know how much insurance is?" End of story.

My kids are awesome, my wife is actually very supportive during all of this. I guess I have everything I need.

End of post.

P.S. I'll try to update more often.

NOW, end of post.

The Unknown Blogger is finally revealed...

2007-11-27T13:18:00.001-08:00

I know that all 4 of my regular readers already know what I look like, but these are the first pictures of me on this blog. Drum roll please......

My parents paid for a professional photography session for our family for Christmas. Here's the results. Let me know what you think.

P.S. Make sure you know that I'm still trying to lose another 10 to 15 pounds when you look at me, AKA The Blob in these pictures...

Some people's kids

2007-11-08T07:13:00.000-08:00

The more people I meet, the more I'm for forced sterilization. Don't get me wrong, I'm a strong conservative with some libertarian leanings, but certain people shouldn't be allowed to breed; or we need to hire a permanent lifeguard for the gene pool...

The other day I was trying to order a new beverage cooler for our office. The one we stock all our pop in wasn't working so I was trying to find a new one to order. I can't find one at a certain retailer, so I go into their online help IM chat thingy. The lady very politely asks what she can help me with. Thinking my request wasn't too extraordinary, I asked, "Do you guys carry beverage coolers?" The reply was so stunning, I don't think I typed a word for at least 3 minutes: "What do you mean by beverage cooler?"

WHAT THE CRAP DO YOU THINK I MEAN?!?! It's a flippin' compound phrase!! Really, what could I have possibly meant when I put two words like that together? "Oh, did I say beverage cooler? I meant that I needed 10 boxes of Kleenex." What part of putting together "beverage" and "cooler" was so freaking difficult that you had to ask me what I meant? After my rage subsided, I wrote, "A cooler that keeps beverages cold. You know, like a fridge for drinks?" The fact that I'm typing my reply again is making my blood pressure rise...

Then yesterday my boss wanted "us" to move some tables. I'm smart enough to know that "us" is manager-talk for "you". So I had resided to the fact that I was going to be moving tables. However, I didn't think that she would actually follow me and do nothing more than hold the door open. I'm not launching a rocket here, I'm moving furniture. I've seen monkeys do it, I think I can handle it. But then came the kicker. I thought she was going to be helpful by carrying a white board upstairs as I wrestled 100 lbs of tables on a dolly. Hey, it was more helpful than she had been up until this point. I think to myself, "Maybe it's a good thing she's here." Boy did I speak too soon. We came back downstairs to get another load of tables, and she watched me get them onto the dolly and as I got to the elevator I noticed that the only thing she brought was the eraser, markers, and 1 sheet of loose paper. I almost screamed, literally. You wasted an entire trip to bring up 3 markers, a drawing and a piece of foam?!?!

Ok, my blood pressure is so high, I think it's turning into a solid. I need to go calm down. Maybe I'll go talk to a bum...

Things that hobos have yelled at me:

2007-10-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

"Whatcha looking at?!" "Nothing..." "YOU PLOTTIN' ON ME?!?!" This one is probably my favorite...

"Spare some change?" "No, sorry." "That wasn't a question!" Sorry, it sure sounded like one...

"You gonna eat that?" "Yeah." "How come?" Cause as a human, we need food to sustain life. Not sure what he was getting at...

"Jesus loves you man!" "Uhhh... thanks." "You better stop doing drugs or you're going to hell!" That was the same hobo, same conversation. I'm still confused about that one...

"You got change for a dollar?" "No, sorry." "I SAID, 'DO YOU GOT CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR?!'" "NO!" I'm now walking faster and he's still slurring, "I GOTTA GET CHANGE! Arrr burrr forger my wufffun..... ALAMO!!!!" At this point, I'm at a dead sprint back to my office trying to hold onto my sandwich with my wife on the other end of the phone saying, "What is that?" "SOME GUY WANTS CHANGE AND I DON'T HAVE IT!!!"

"GOD IS GONNA JUDGE YOU!!!" Hate to be a spoiler, but I've got the "Get Out Of Hell Free" card.

It's been a while since I've encountered any hobos, but it always makes me laugh when I do get the opportunity...

How about this?

2007-10-23T13:20:00.000-07:00

Since the only thing that let's me know that anyone reads my ramblings is comments, I'm trying to write in a way that will get people to comment. Hmmm... ponder, ponder, ponder...

I have to say that I'm enjoying my job more these days, because of a conscious choice, not necessarily because I just like it more. My wife has helped me understand that all jobs have downsides and you just have to choose to be happy. She's so smart. I wish I had thought of that along time ago. Yes, I still get frustrated when someone emails me to bring them a stapler because they need it for this project when it's on their desk. However, I've come to enjoy these little things that make me laugh at how funny people are. I like being a help to people, being the go-to guy. Probably because it strokes my ego, but I don't mind when I'm not thanked either.

Another thing I've come to understand over the years is that you shouldn't work to be thanked. So when someone asks me a stupid question and then gets mad when I point out the answer and refuses to thank me, I don't mind. Like when I told my supervisor to check my spelling of coerced (I spelled it right) by hitting "F7" to use Spell check. I went over to her computer cause she kept shouting, "NOTHING!" only find out that she was typing f7 rather than hitting the "F7" key. Rather than thank me, she got mad and also got mad that "computers are so difficult to use."

I get it, when you're old enough to have been born on Pangaea, computers can be a pain to use. "Laugh it off" I have to keep telling myself. Someday I'll get to fulfill my dream of being a cop, for now, I'm just enjoying the ride...

BOOOOOO Rockies!!!!

2007-10-22T12:45:00.001-07:00

Stupid Rockies...

They finally get to the World Series, and what do they go and do? Make it IMPOSSIBLE for the average fan, i.e. me, to get tickets unless you're willing to spend you AND your spouse's entire 401k savings to get a pair of tickets. The only way you can get them is to purchase them online. Brilliant idea. Because you know, if you believe hard enough, your servers won't crash. Oh, and because scalpers aren't smart enough to buy more tickets than they should. Way to go guys, your first trip to the Big Show and you've already pissed off your fan base. Not a great way to start the series...

One guy I heard about bought 4 of the cheapest seats in the stadium at $65 a pop and started the bidding at $850. But then this guy gets the idea that the price is "too low" so he changed the starting bid to $1200. I hope there is a special place in hell for people like that, preferably their own ring of hell right next to Hitler and whoever came up with the show "Laguna Beach".

I have watched the Rockies since I was a little kid, I went to their first game and have probably been to 12 or 15 games. I would go to more, but my first love is hockey. Now, I'm afraid I'll have to give my full devotion to hockey. There are worse things, but I was really hoping that somehow, an average Joe could watch his team's first World Series. Those dreams are now shattered along with my dream to be 6 foot and get paid for my opinion. Well, back to work...

HOLY CRAP!!!

2007-10-17T14:38:00.001-07:00

So, I don't know how to link you guys to my friend's blogs, but apparently there is a way to. I will spend my lunch in such research... Anywho, since all my friends have stories about how they have run ins with animals that don't belong in the house, I thought I'd share my recent experience with an unwelcome critter.

I know that when you think of raccoons, you probably think of the cute little ones that smile and hold food like people and whatnot. Just like in the 2nd picture, which is a gross misrepresentation of what raccoons are really like. What they don't want you to know is that they are the most vile and obnoxious creatures on this thing called earth. Much like the snarling one in the 1st picture. This correctly identifies the 3 raccoons in the following story. Rabid, horrid, evil spawn of hell...

I was home alone the other night as my wife was doing errands with the kids and I heard the familiar rustling of plastic bags. I thought my wife was back and coming upstairs. Hmmm... sure is taking her a while, and I don't hear Kailey screaming her head off like she does every time when enter a motor vehicle. Better go check. I open my door to find 3, yes 3 raccoons, at least 15 pounds each, digging in the trash bag I set on the porch 5 minutes ago while I did the dishes. I of course know that raccoons carry disease, so I try to scare them off. I do my best "big dog" bark, cause my real 10 pound dog barking didn't even bother the little buggers. That scared them down about 2 of the 20 stairs to my front door. They looked back up and me, realizing I'm not a big dog and walked back up in defiance to finish eating the booger filled Kleenex's and soiled diapers I had just filled the bag with. (No, they weren't MY diapers you fool. Oh, never mind.) So I start yelling at them to shoo. All three just kept on feasting. I finally got up the courage to open the door. That spooked them back down 1 stair. I wasn't drunk or crazy enough to chase them the rest of the way down and knowing that I couldn't shoot them, I decided to improvise. I grabbed my dog's leash (which immediately made Lucy think it was potty time. Dork...) and starting swinging it in the raccoon's general direction. 2 of them ran about half way down the stairs, while 1 just kept staring at me. "Maybe he was deaf and blind!! You're mean!!" No, it looked at me the way you would expect the grim reaper to look into your eyes as he steals your soul...

I got a little closer and slapped the leash on the ground right next to him. He ran down the stairs to meet up with the others where I assume they were plotting my demise cause the 1 came up up the stairs growling at me, which is a pretty frightening noise. I kept smacking the leash towards it in hopes that I didn't accidentally hit it and send it into a fit of blinding and violent rage. For whatever reason, the lord of the 3 called the assault off, because they ran off after 3 minutes or so of me wildly swinging a dog leash and yelling "YAAA!!" while trying not to act scared. My wife couldn't believe my courageous act of keeping our home safe when she got home. Actually, she didn't believe that there were raccoons in our neighborhood until the next night when I showed her 1 that was up in the tree across from our house with it's haunting, glowing eyes.

So, that's probably the craziest thing that's happened to me in the last few weeks. The next time something utterly crazy happens to me instead of my brother, I'll let you know. (I'll have a blog soon about a couple of his funniest encounters...)

Until next time, "Stay safe out there, the raccoons are watching..."

That is the exact opposite of what I wanted...

2007-10-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

I was hoping that my "Cool People Don't:" post would spark a huge (I mean like 3 or 4 comments) conversation about things cool people don't do. That didn't turn out so great, so I'm gonna continue to blog like I normally would, maybe with some new features.

Things have been kinda crazy here at work, my supervisor is less than personable (most people use the term abrasive) which makes for an uncomfortable environment. I just try to stay out of her way, do my job better than anyone else could hope to, and help my team. No, I'm not their supervisor, but I still think of them as my team. Which is why I bought breakfast burritos for part of the team today and will probably buy lunch for the other part when my wallet isn't on a diet.

The breakfast burrito? Heavenly, so good that I'm convinced that no mortal could have designed such a delicious treat. No my friends, an angel crafted my burrito and he called that burrito, "good". Yes, it was THAT good. Which is why I'm gonna give you the link to Biker Jim's Dogs.

http://www.bikerjimsdogs.com/

He's the nicest guy this side of Tokyo and grills the best gol-dern hot dogs on the face of this wretched earth. If you look through his website, you'll see that he offers onions and cream cheese. Just do it; I promise you'll thank me later...

Pray for me, as I'm going through a very difficult time in my life. I have a lot of life changing decisions to make and a lot of life changing things happening without my permission. Just pray that I will have direction, wisdom and courage. Thanks y'all and remember...

"Don't take life so seriously. Nobody makes it out alive anyway."

"What's new?" you ask?

2007-10-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

A lot. Too much. Here's synopsis:
Played softball last week. Lost the game and my temper, and almost got thrown out. Our outfielder fell and hit his head against the fence so hard, I thought he broke his neck. He's alright though, just reeeeeally sore. No softball yesterday cause it was colder than a well-digger's butt. Rockies won, WOOHOO!! Our new church preached on sex. AMEN!!! Got a new thermostat for my house so it's warmer inside than it is outside. My wife says, "THANK GOD!". I'm gonna wait a while before I apply for a position as a cop. Booo... Have to move or lose our house. Booo... Work has all kinds of stress; nothing new there. My daughter is starting to make all kinds of noises, so now when she cries, I sit and talk to her. That makes her smile, which makes me smile. Alright, when I can come back some more sardonic humor based on life experiences, I will. So stay tuned...

Go Rockies!!!

2007-10-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

That is all for now...

No really...

2007-10-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

Seriously, my last post asked for other people to chime in and no one has said a bloody word. This is not a practice people! I need your thoughts!

Maybe I really am all alone... hmmmm... that's depressing. I think I'm gonna go cry now...

Cool people don't:

2007-10-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

(My guitar hero, Brad Paisley. Verrrry cool...)
Ok, I stole this from a local radio show, but I think it's a good point to build on. Since I'm not even in the universe as "cool", I always feel left out when I see a genuinely cool person. Then I see all these people doing idiotic things they think are cool, and it makes me feel better. So here's my very short list of things cool people DON'T do.

Cool people don't:

Spend $40,000 on a convertible and ride with the top down, and the windows up.

On the same note, they don't put accessories on their car that cost as much as the car. Specifically, all you idiots who put spoilers on your 1994 Dodge Neon. Don't race me either; I don't have the fastest car ever, but Josh Blue could outrun your car. Google Josh Blue if you don't know who he is.

Wear $3 flip flops from Old Navy and carry fake Gucci bags. You're wearing jeans from the Target clearance rack and you want me to believe you're carrying a $2,000 Chanel and Company handbag? I didn't fall off the turnip truck... I was pushed...

Wear clothes from the opposite sex. This pretty much applies to guys, specifically of the Emo persuasion. I get it, you can stuff your junk into girl's pants. I'm supposed to be impressed by that? I must have missed how wearing pants that used to be called "Capri's" are now cool for guys to wear.

Scream, "Don't tase me bro!"

Have long hair when they're balding. Seriously, just shave it. I'd rather look at a misshapen head than a comb over. The worst is the bald on top and long hair in the back, which I think looks like an egg wearing a hula skirt.

Whistle annoying songs that get stuck in other people's heads.

Feel free to add your own. Really, I want to continue this, but I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest...

The end of an era...

2007-09-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, this former germ-a-phobe has come to the realization that life does continue even after you're subjected to germs...

T.V.'s Monk had nothing on me. I wasn't an O.C.D. case, but I was as close as you could get. However, after all the stuff you go through after 2 kids, there's not really any room to fear cooties and whatnot.

These things just happen. Fate has a twisted sense of humor...

No matter how careful you are, you're going to stick your hand in a dirty diaper. Unless you change diapers with latex gloves, expect to scrub under your fingernails for 30 minutes and still feel filthy.

If you have a boy, they will pee on you when you change their diaper. Hate to tell you, but no human being on this planet is quick enough to change a #2 diaper on a boy and not get peed on at least one time. If there is such a person, please make yourself known. (Cricket noises) Yeah, that's what I thought...

As Jeff Foxworthy said, "Babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt." Don't hold a baby if you want your clothes to stay clean. Just don't do it. It's Newton's 4th law. If there were 11 commandments, this would be #2, and I would bump another one of the less important ones down...

One of the things I've learned is that the baby vomit smell is harder to get out of clothes than skunk stank. You can't bleach something enough to get that smell out. Last night, after my softball game, I was holding my son (who's sick right now) and he was acting like he was feeling better. Happy, but not energetic, not bouncing or anything, just content.
Then like the stealth vomiter he is, he blew like freaking Mount Vesuvius what looked like a half gallon of old milk, mixed with rotten yogurt. It went everywhere, and I'm not exaggerating. My brother was sitting in front of me and it practically covered his back and one of his legs. My shorts were dripping and there was a puddle in my shoes as well as my brother's shoe. My brother almost had an aneurysm. I thought he was gonna break down in tears he was so grossed out. My poor son is crying because he thinks he's in trouble and somehow I stayed calm until we got home and I changed; after sitting and walking around in it for 45 minutes.

Parenting changes so many things about you. Most people would say that it changes your outlook on life or the way you think about things. For me, it opened up my eyes to the fact that babies take all your boundaries and shatter them like a mirror hit with a 2 ton bomb... I think that's what I needed though.

HOCKEY!!!

2007-09-21T12:44:00.000-07:00

So long story short, I ended up winning some killer Av's tickets the other night and the game was a blast. All 4 of us, plus my brother went to the game. There were 3 fights right in front of us, 9 goals in the game, Av's won. Soooooo amaz-za-zing...
My brother is planning on trying out for them next year. He's going to play for the best high school team in the state, Arvada High, and then when he graduates this next year, he'll try out for the Av's so he won't ruin his eligibility. Yes, I used to play, but then I got two teeth knocked. Funny how looking like a hockey player made me NOT want to become one...

My brother already has a 85 mph slap shot (I believe the fastest recorded slap shot ever is 108) and he's hoping to get his even faster. He told he wants to get to 100 because scientific studies show that the human eye can't track objects coming at them at 100mph or faster. So in his mind, a goalie won't stand a chance. What he doesn't remember is that a year ago, he hit a slap shot that the goalie caught and it broke his hand. Or that 3 years ago he hit a slap shot so hard that after sailing the air for 20 feet, it hit a kids stick and broke it in half. Or that a few weeks ago he broke another kid's shin guard with his shot. I'd say his shot is plenty fast, but I can't knock him for wanting to get it even faster. I feel sorry for the guy he's practicing against. Story says that Bobby Hull's shot was faster, so fast that he dislocated a goalie's shoulder. That's my brother new goal. A little morbid, but a good goal, I guess...

Tired...

2007-09-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of my son, but I'm as tired as he looks...

Top 5 things to NOT do at work

2007-09-18T11:35:00.001-07:00

1. Puke. Do I really need to explain this one? Someone here threw up in our office today. If you're that sick, go home.

2. Qualify anything coming out of your mouth with, "This may sound dumb..." Too late. You've already set my expectations high, so this better be stupid...

3. Mess anything up. They'll hold it over your head for the rest of your days there, if not your life.
Forget to color coordinate the post it notes? How dare you!
Open a piece of mail that should normally be opened? And I didn't tell you that I wanted it to remain unopened? You pathetic little creature!
Mispronounce a name or forget a person's name? MAY YOU BURN IN THE 7TH RING OF HELL!!!!

4. Tell a secret. Remember Ben Franklin's mantra about secrets, "3 can keep a secret if 2 are dead." If you're upset with someone at your work, and aren't brave enough to confront them, don't tell anyone else that you're angry. It'll get back to that person and then you'll be in an even more uncomfortable position. Oh, and never tell anyone else that you're looking for another job. I don't care how good of friends you are with this person, they'll find someone to tell. In fact, if you tell anyone in your office you want to leave, you've given them permission to shout it from the rooftops. They'll be like a mosquito at a nudist colony; they won't know where to start...

5. Do anything if you don't know how to. This is guaranteed trouble. If you start messing with something and don't know how to do it, you might as well just pour lighter fluid on it, strike a match, and walk away. Think of it this way; every extra second you spend trying to get the object to do what you want when you have no idea how, you're adding 10 minutes of time it takes me to fix whatever the hell you did, PLUS you're subtracting years off of MY life because you've caused me stress and forced me to build an unnatural hatred at the mere mention of your name. I have been on both sides of this, so I guess I should be a little nicer, but this is a huge pet peeve of mine.

Elevator Etiquette

2007-09-12T13:03:00.000-07:00

What is it with people and not following the rules when it comes to elevators? There aren't that many and they are not hard to follow either. Here, since y'all don't have a clue as to what I'm talking about, here's my own personal 10 commandments:

1. Do NOT under ANY circumstances stick any body part into a closing elevator door. What the crap are you thinking? First of all, it's bloody annoying. We're upset that you were in such a hurry that you felt the need to let out a karate yell and stick an appendage in the elevator doors to go up the elevator 27 seconds faster than if you waited for the next one. Plus you get to feel our icy stares the entire way up. For the love of meat, just wait for the next one...
Secondly, YOU COULD DIE!!! What if those doors slammed on your arm and the elevator continued to go up? "It's supposed to stop for me" you might say. People aren't supposed to hit and run, drink and drive, and they should always pay attention to where they're going to, but I don't see you sticking your foot in front of a speeding car. You may think I'm being paranoid, but here's proof:
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/elevator.asp
Be safe and be patient. Wait for the next freaking elevator...
2. Don't push a level/floor button that's already been pushed. How dare you think that your button pushing skills are better than mine! If you really have to push a button, push the close door button. It doesn't do anything (just like crosswalk buttons), but it's better than insinuating that my button pushing is inferior.
3. I know you saw me walking behind you. You even walked faster in order to beat me to the elevator. Then you gave me that stupid look as the door closed in my face as if to say, "Oh, I didn't see you!" and proceeded to pretend like you tried to hold the door for me. Rule #3 is to always be kind to the people behind you and hold the door for them. The elevator gods are always watching and they will send you bad ju ju. Elevator ju ju is the worst kind... refer to the link in rule #1. Bet she never held the door for anyone either...
4. No asking stupid questions or trying to start conversation cause you're socially awkward and learned a new "how to talk to people" technique on Oprah. We don't have to talk in here. I'm perfectly content thinking about my broken washing machine, my overdrawn checking account, the fact that my socks don't match, and that I forgot my lunch and have no cash. Here's a couple tips: Don't EVER start a sentence with "so", "ummm", "wow", or any other vague adverb that only requires a one word answer. "So, you work here?" No, I'm actually inventing a new sport, "Extreme Elevator Riding"...
"Wow, great weather huh?" Sure is, why don't you go enjoy it so I can ride the elevator in peace? Speaking of "huh", don't end a question in "huh?" either. It makes you sound stupid and it forces me to answer in a stupid way like, "Yup" or "Uh-huh". Just stay away from yes and no questions as a general rule. If you HAVE to awaken me from half-sleepy stupor on the ride up, at least have the decency to ask me a somewhat intelligent question that will make me want to stay and talk with you.
5. Touch me and I swear to the elevator gods I will bite you; and no I haven't had my shots. That's just if you're a girl. If you're a dude, I'll give you a purple nurple until your knees lock and you pass out.
6. Yes, I smell that too. No it wasn't me and since there's only two of us, that makes one of us a liar. Pretending like you're just getting your first whiff doesn't make me think you're innocent. It makes me think you're a crappy liar. Your wife and even your mistress may fall for it, but your dog and I know the truth. Thanks so much for making me smell your $1.13 breakfast burrito. Please go crawl in a hole and poison yourself instead of me...
7. Don't touch me. I have space issues. I don't mind riding in an elevator with lots of people, I just don't want them all touching me. Germ-aphobe? You better believe it! Today you'll shake hands with 10 people who went the bathroom and didn't wash their hands. Americans as a whole received a "D" in hand washing. I hope you see my point...
8.If your floor is one of the first ones we go to, stand in the front, stupid. Don't push your way through. Push me, and I'll push you back, but I'll make sure you fall on your face, scuff your $400 shoes, wrinkle your $1800 Banana Republic shirt-pant combo, spill your $8 coffee and accidentally goose the cute girl in front of you so that she slaps you unconscious.
9. Don't ask about my lunch. It's personal. It's my lunch, I don't want to tell you where I got it or how much I paid for it and I really don't want to hear about what you got and how good of a deal it was. Don't comment on how good my lunch smells either. That's just plain weird.
10. Stare at me and you'll suffer the same fate as people who touch me. Have I mentioned how much I hate being touched?

"The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures."

Oh boy!!! Sports is fun...

2007-09-10T13:51:00.000-07:00

Last night was a great night for my ego. I play softball, not very well, but good enough that they keep asking me to play. However, the last few weeks, I've been playing really well. I normally pitch, but I got moved to shortstop (or 2nd when needed) and I really like shortstop. I've been making good plays and hitting pretty well, but last night, I was on fire.

It started out with a routine out to first base and then a leaping catch for the 2nd out of the first inning. I'm not sure how I caught the ball considering that normally you can barely get a dollar bill under my feet when I jump, but I got it. The rest of the game just went my way and if the ball was anywhere near me, I seemed to get it and turn out great plays. I hit pretty well, but then came the last inning. There was either 2 runners on base or 3. We'll just say 3 so that it sounds better...

It's what every kid dreams of... batting in the 5th inning of a "D" competitive league softball game, bases loaded, full count. The 17 fans watching are either finishing their overpriced pretzel or picking their nose and you're at bat. It's your job to make their wildest dreams come true, or at least wake them up on the bleachers. Well, the pitch was perfect and I swung. It went into the center-field gap and I ran as fast as my chicken legs would carry me. Basically I look like a potato on two toothpicks, so that must have been the cheering/laughing I heard in the stands. I ran hard and got all the way to 3rd before the outfielder got the ball to the shortstop. I stopped at third and the third base coach told me to go, so I ran for home. It's a race... it's a race.... I'm winning!! I beat the throw to home without even sliding. Time had expired and we won the game. WOOHOO!! Very exciting... I may have given the geezer in the last row a heart attack. Yeah right, kidding. I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack after running like that though...

It would have been a lot more exciting if it was a playoff game or a championship game, but considering it was our first win of the season after 2 straight losses, not too dramatic, but still awesome. I hurt myself in the game right after that and now I'm nursing my back/butt back to health. So maybe next week, you will hear more tales of my amazing feats of strength...

"Dreams are like rainbows; only idiots chase them."

This is why I'm hot... yeah, scratch that...

2007-09-07T15:35:00.000-07:00

On Labor Day I went golfing with my dad and since he didn't set a tee time, we didn't actually golf. We did go to the driving range and worked on my swing a little bit. I can hit my 3 wood about 200-215 yards; not bad for a slightly overweight, blubbery mook like myself. If I really smack my hybrid 7 wood well, I can hit that about 200 yards too. But my dad accidentally grabbed my little brother's clubs which had a driver that my dad gave to him. I couldn't use mine, cause my driver is broken. Someone borrowed it and used it as a cane to bend over and snapped the head off... Now to find said person and do the same thing to their head...

The driver my dad gave to my little brother is weird because it was made for an old fogey. You can't really swing fast or you'll slice the crap out of it cause it's light and very flexible. So when you actually swing it like a 86 year old retiree on vacation in Palm Springs, I could only hit it 200 yards. *Wah wah*

I did sink some really nice putts though on the practice green, one from about 20 feet and two from about 30 feet. My dad still beat me 6-4 in a putting contest; crazy old man...

Now I just need to figure out how to make my overall game consistent and then... Tiger better watch out...

It's a small world... til you walk home that is...

2007-09-05T07:46:00.000-07:00

It's official. I can't even work with anonymity. There's a temp who works with me who knows my parents. There is nowhere to hide... I think trying to start over as long as I live in Colorado is a lost cause. I've always wanted to move to Tennessee, but I think that was because I wanted to be a musician. Now the question is, how do I raise a family on a cop's salary? Do I go and do studio musician work? Become a studio tech and work part time? Move to someplace where the standard of living is less? Pray and hope that God reaches out to help me? It's frightening to be in this mind, let me tell you... that's why I try to keep a "no vacancy" sign up. I have too much to worry about as it is. Hmmmm... much thinking to do over the next few weeks...

"Not all pain is gain."

Perfect! Now put the rest of those on the front...

2007-08-30T13:25:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to find my motivation anywhere, so please let me know if you find it. It's probably hiding with my sanity. Now if only these 15 pounds would go missing...

Another average day with needy people who aren't interesting, but always seem to do interesting things. Like come up with new and interesting ways to break things. Light a fire in a toaster oven, put a fork in the microwave, screwdriver in the sink, hand soap in the dishwasher, staples in the gears of the copy machine; it's unreal to say the least. Which brings me to the some of the best advice I've ever gotten:

"Don't underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"The only way to make something fool-proof is keep it away from fools."
And the one that seems to be most appropriate for me:
"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. "
I guess the only things I would add to that list would be erasers, post it notes and Kleenex...

Does it hurt to be that dumb?

2007-08-28T11:28:00.000-07:00

That's the question I ask myself every single time I hear someone say something stupid. I know that I'm not the smartest man ever, but seriously, does anyone think anymore before they open their pie-holes?

Example: Last night I was watching the news and this horribly sad story comes on about an idiot 15 year old who's driving way too fast in a residential neighborhood and hits 2 little girls. 1 died at the scene and the other is still in the hospital. That kinda stuff really gets to me now that I have kids, it really hits home thinking that stuff can happen to anyone. Anyway, so they interview a witness and ask him about what he saw. The clip ends with him talking about how the city needs to put up more signs so people know that kids are playing there. I swear, I thought I was gonna leap through the screen and strangle him...

First of all, a good parent doesn't let their children play in the street, especially unsupervised. Look, I played in the street when I was a kid. Yes, people should be more careful. It's not the child's fault that the 15 year old hit her, but a good parent will make sure that there's an adult watching if they can't. Again, it's not the parent's fault that this kid wasn't obeying the law and they suffered a terrible price. That should help people to realize that this isn't the old days, people aren't respectful anymore and that they should be more attentive and more aware of their surroundings. You don't go walking in dark alleys, talk to strangers on the internet, and give personal information to people on the phone, do you? You especially don't let your kids do that, do you? 40 years ago, you could trust that most people respected the law and that only a few people would be so despicable. Times have changed. You don't need to live in constant fear, but you do need to be more careful. Watch your kids for heaven's sake.

Secondly, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT A SIGN WILL STOP SOMEONE FROM BREAKING THE LAW?!?!?! Wait, what am I thinking? Of course signs keep people from breaking the law! That's why people obey the speed limit, don't drink and drive, and they always wear their seat belts. Someone elect that man for president! Ok, enough sarcasm. Honestly though, if that were true we could put signs up that say "Don't kill people" and all violence would stop. Let's go back to reality...
I understand that this guy is upset and is just looking for someone to blame, but the blame doesn't rest on the city putting up a sign that says, "Children Playing". There's already a sign saying that you can't drive more than 25 MPH (if not 15), why would he respect one more than the other? This is another fool who thinks that it's the government's fault. Yes, government is typically the problem, and hardly ever the solution, I wholeheartedly agree; but this falls back on personal responsibility. People just don't respect one another anymore. Let me know I'm not alone here...

Ok, I feel better now that I've vented.

"Attitudes are contagious; mine might kill you..."

Sleepy...

2007-08-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

I've given up on sleep. Who needs it? Not me, I'm invincible... I'm... super... human.... I'm.... zzzzzz...

I use to get by on like 4 hours of sleep a night when I was 15, 16 years old, but I can't do that anymore. I can even do that every now and again, but nothing like I usetacould. You know, use-ta-could? "Can you dance?" "I usetacould, and if you play somethun good, I mightagain..."

In losing so much sleep, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I don't know what about, but I'm definitely thinking about something. I guess most of it is about life, what "it" all means, whether Jell-o is a liquid or a solid, normal stuff. The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe I'm doing it all wrong. Maybe I got married too quick, had kids too quick, didn't stay in school... ok, enough mistakes, I'm getting depressed, but I know I'm not the only one with those feelings. It just feels that way. Growing up the way I did caused me to become very jaded and VERY guarded. I don't trust people and I often end up feeling alone. My wife is great at listening to me, but sometimes I want someone else to gripe to. Selfish, I know...

I used to be a very open and honest person but growing up in a leadership role in so many aspects of my life, I would have those things used against me and I eventually grew cold and distant. I understand it's good to not share anything and everything about yourself to every person who looks at you (I know several people like that and they drive me insane), but sometimes I just want a friend who I can just blab to, without thinking about whether or not this person could hurt me with that info, or shove it in my face. I hear there are people out there like that, but I'm not so sure...

Maybe some day I'll be comfortable enough to share my true feelings with someone and not worry so much about what they might say to other people. I hope when I become a cop, my partner and I have that type of relationship. Only time will tell... that is, when time learns to talk.

Remember
"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers..."

No more brain pain...

2007-08-24T16:48:00.001-07:00

Well, I finally get back on a normal shift here at work starting Monday. (Funny side note: My last manager sent out an email, a while back, with the words "early shift" in it, but he forgot the "f". Now I think about it everytime I write "shift".) Anyway, I've been working 10 hour days for the last month and I've had it up to here with that. Considering you can't see where "here" is, just know that I'm done with those shifts, or shits. Take your pick.

I can finally go home early, you know, like before the sun goes down? So I've been back at this job I worked at, for a little over a year the first time, for about 6 months now. I thought I had seniority, but they don't count the time I was here, which sucks, because I knew the job better than the guy who took my place. So I got stuck with the crappy shit. Pun intended.

Now that everyone here has left or gotten canned, I have seniority again! YEEHAW!! I almost didn't gt my choice of shifts cause the TEMPS (you know, people desperate to work?) we hired didn't want to work the late shift. "Maybe we should just find someone who can?" Worked like a charm...

Anyway, so now me and my humor will be at 100%. I look forward to making you pee your pants laughing. You know who you are...

Do I have to?

2007-08-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

Is there a way to make money without working and without selling my beautiful body? Didn't think so...

I thought yesterday was the hardest I've ever had to work to motivate myself to go to work. Then today happened... My daughter is so cute, but when she doesn't sleep at night, she's not quite as cute. Nothing is cute when you've slept for 2 hours, wake up to a crying baby at 3 am (Kinda like the Matchbox 20 song, but not nearly as touching, and sweet...), stub your toe to pick her up, step on the dog, burp her (baby, not the dog), get thrown up on (by both baby and the dog), and finally lay her down, only to have her cry again... every hour, on the hour, til you "wake up" to go to work and deal with people who whine even more than your one month old does.

Here's the best part though:

You go to work, and after your third Mountain Dew by 10 am and enough caffeine to wake a corpse, people look at the black circles under your bloodshot eyes and go, "Gee, are you tired?"

No, this is the latest fashion craze. The new trend is to look like a junkie without all the liver damage, it's all the rage in Japan...

Ask me a stupid question, get a smart ass answer...

That took a lot of energy, I'll write again when my brain doesn't hurt so bad... oh my hell, the pain...

Another day, another 29 cents...

2007-08-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I know it seems like I'm this angry, bitter person who does nothing but post his gripes, but I hope you that I'm not. I have lots of things I enjoy, especially humor. I try to keep a positive view on things, but I love sarcastic, cutting humor. So just know that I am a happy person with a dark and somewhat twisted sense of humor...

Speaking of things I enjoy, I love music. I love nothing more than driving down the road, blaring my favorite bands, and just rocking out, even when people give you those weird looks. As I've said before, I am a musician and I always laugh at people when I can hear their music in their car and watch them "play" along with it, not keeping time even close to correct or singing so off key you plug your dog's ears. Then I think, wait a minute... I do that to, but I know what I'm doing. Do other people think I'm as stupid as I think that guy is?

Hmmm... these are things that keep me awake at night. Along with how I'm gonna fulfill my lifelong dream of creating a monkey band. Little monkey drummer, little monkey guitarist, little monkey keyboard player... COME ON! Is that brilliant or what?!?!

See my lifelong dream for the better part of my life was to be a professional musician, or even a superstar in the country world; but I guess I've realized that's just not what I want to do forever. I used to do music for my old churches, for about 6 years or so, and I loved it. I loved being part of band, practicing, jamming, and of course I loved the popularity that came with it. I'm not gonna lie and say that I didn't like it, but it certainly wasn't all fun and games. It came with a lot of responsibilities and pressures which made it not so fun. It made it work.

I had always wanted to be a recording artist and tour professionally. I even had a producer who wanted to record with me. We did all the work, planned for everything from the CD's name and theme, to artwork and song choices. Then he moved (for good reasons I will say), but I've never felt so lost in my whole life. I felt as though I was finally gonna do what I enjoyed and it got ripped out from under me. Then I began to think, why did I want it? I thought I had all the right answers, the pious one (I want to make music that makes people feel good) the good one (It's what I love) and then I came to the real one, or as I call it, the self-centered one (I want to be famous. I want people to know my name. I want to be called "The best thing ever", I want, I want, I want...).

When I realized that I loved doing it for all the wrong reasons, I gave it up. Six months later, I left my church and my duties as music director and I even left a $2500 guitar they bought me and the $500 worth of accessories that went with it. So, was it the right choice?

I've never been happier. I have more time with my family, more time at home, and more time to pursue my personal goals, both personally and professionally. Now I'm gonna chase me real dream of serving people as a police officer. I've served people all my life and I love helping people. So, is it worth it to chase your dreams?

Damn right it is...

Until next time...

Anti-Job Description

2007-08-21T16:28:00.000-07:00

Apparently some people don't understand what I do for a living. So I guess a list is needed of things I am not and things I do not do.

I am NOT a doormat: Don't think that because I make less than half your salary, didn't graduate from a nice college, am dumber, and uglier than you means that you can treat me like dirt. Don't walk on me to get what you want.
I have feelings too. I feel hot, I feel cold.
I also have a sensitive side, it's the one with the rash.
I'm not emotional or needy, but I don't like going home feeling like everyone's wiped their crappy day on me.

I am NOT a scapegoat: Don't blame me for things that you didn't do. If you want my help, just ask. I'm not above doing menial tasks. My job description includes "duties as assinged", however it does not include, "holder of blame" or "everyone's whipping child". Trust me, I've looked to be sure. Twice...

I will NOT do things that are YOUR job: You get paid a hell of a lot more than me to do half the work I do. Do your damn job and quit dumping things on me cause you want to re-organize your pens, check your email every 2 minutes, and "research" on the internet when I know you're on the 5th level of "World Video Poker". You went to school, you got the job, you get the money. You want to treat me like ca-ca because of those things, but then turn around and not do the work? You can't have it both ways. In fact, you can't have it either way. Do things my way, and we'll both be happier.

I will NOT cater to your every wish, whim and desire: You want a new mouse, new chair, new keyboard, new computer, bigger monitor, foot rest, coasters, the pens you had at your old work, and an air freshner that smells like the island you vacationed on. I want to be a foot taller, own an island and I especially don't want to work with you. Looks like neither of us is gonna getting what we want. I'll put up with you, and you can feel free to dig through that closet and have whatever you find, even if it's not broken! See how nice I am? Remember it...

I am NOT a "sounding board" for you to "vent" to: That's bull. You want someone to yell at, and I happen to be the one who catches your hell-fury. F* that noise. I could take you in a fight any day, I don't care who you are. Let's just use this as a rule: if I was an angry drunken bastard, 7 feet tall, 375 pounds of pure muscle, and you ran into me at a bar, would you talk to me that same way? Didn't think so. Remember that too, cause I'm a hell of a lot meaner. I just choose not to use my wit to cut you to shreds, cause you are obviously unarmed in such a match...

Which brings me to the biggest one...

I am NOT your friend: We work together, but that doesn't mean we're like family or even friends. It means that we're stuck in the same damn prison together for 8 hours a day. Same rules apply: Trust no one, watch your back, and don't drop the soap. Maybe the last one only applies to me, cause I'm always the one who ends up getting.... you know...
You're a nice person. I might even want to sign your card when your lazy ass gets fired, but I'm not your friend. If you want a friend, find someone else you can stab in the back and spread gossip about when you get mad at them for stealing your favorite pen. I left junior high a few years ago, let me know when you do and maybe we can hang out together. Maybe...

My awesome son

2007-08-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

This was the first time he tried spaghetti. He's been hooked ever since, and our tub has been plugged ever since...

My precious daughter

2007-08-17T13:02:00.001-07:00

This is Kailey Jo Clark, and if you can't tell, she's tied for the cutest thing ever with my son and baby seals...

Nothing new to report

2007-08-17T12:52:00.001-07:00

Considering the title, I'm amazed that you've read this much. Not a whole lot is going on in my life, I mean, everything at least seems normal. You ever feel like normal isn't normal, but you've gone on so long that abnormal is normal? Whoa. Ok that hurt... no more philosophy for today.

So I'm still getting used to this blogging thing, and I'm gonna try to put some pictures up here. If they're upside down or crappy looking, just know that I'm too stupid to operate a machine without an IQ...

More about me...

2007-08-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

I know that it seems like I write about myself a lot, but I'm the most interesting person I know, so get used to it... jk

Actually I thought it would be appropriate to do a quick list of things about me, but in interactive mode. So all of you reading this (if there really is anyone there), when I ask a question, it's not rhetorical...

You know what I hate? (you say "what?") Cold toilet seats. You know what I REALLY hate? A warm one...

You know what I hate? Liars. You know what I REALLY hate? Liars who say that they're not liars, or liars that say that they're "really a good person", and especially BAD LIARS...

You know what I love? Hot dogs. Not like boiled hot dogs, and not even brand name hot dogs. I like a hot dog made with wild game meat like Reindeer or Buffalo. Actually pretty much any wild meat, stuffed into a tube or served like a steak is ok by me, and the redder the better...

You know what I hate? (stay with me now..."what?") Complicating simple things. You know what I REALLY hate? The PEOPLE who make easy things difficult. Seriously, life is difficult enough. Do we really need to change 5 minutes projects into hours of labor to accommodate idiotic requests or policies? I like things that are simple and make sense. If you like complications and difficult things, I recommend another blog. Read below to see why...

You know what I love? Gregory House. That's more of a "who", but hear me out. (Side note: I hate people who say it's stupid to like a tv character and his beliefs) He's brilliant. He understands (like psychologists) that life boils done to the very base of our emotions, the lowest common denominator. People do things for simple reasons. We're not as smart and devious as we think, we do things for one of three reasons: sex, money and self-preservation. That's pretty much it. We do things cause we WANT to. People always say, "Not if you have a gun to your head." Bull honkey. If I held a gun to your head and told you to kill someone you love, you can still say no. You may not WANT to say no, but you still can. It's still your decision, that's free will.

Which brings me to my next point...

You know what I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hate? People who won't admit mistakes or take responsibility. No one's perfect, so just admit it; cause if you don't, you're gonna have to admit that you're as stupid as we already think you are. You're not the first person to do something stupid, so get over it and learn from it.

You what I love? Having fun. Whatever that is, I love having fun and watching people have fun, especially my family. Nothing is better than playing "stink face" with my 1 year old. Nothing is better than watching him try to run down a hill, when he's just learning to walk, laughing so hard he can't breathe. Nothing is better than seeing my little girl smile when she looks at me. Nothing is better than seeing my wife truly enjoying herself. So get out there, do what you love, and have fun.

Alright, I'm gonna get off my soap box and go back to work. Which is only fun when I make it that way. Just a little tip in case you're struggling with that. Make anything fun or funny and you'll notice a big difference in your outlook on life. Ok, now I'm really gonna step off my soap box... until next time. Same bat time, same bat channel...

Wow, this is kinda cool!

2007-08-15T16:19:00.000-07:00

I have to say that this blogging thing is addicting! Here I am, not even 5 hours later, and I want so bad to post something else, but what do I write? Sensing a theme? Constantly looking for something to write about, but struggling to find something? That's not because I actually don't have things. Oh no... I just have so many things going through my brain that I can't seem to pin one down long enough to... what was I saying? I feel like Donald Duck in MathematicLand where all the stuff is flying over his head and he's trying to grab it. Sometimes I wonder if I have that ADD thing, it stands for Attention Deficit, LOOK A PLANE!! Alright, enough of that...

Anywho, I'm sure you're wondering about my past. I kinda left everyone (all, uhh... none of you) hanging that I've lived this full life and I'm only 23. I have lived a very interesting life, that's for sure. I was homeschooled until my freshman year when I joined a small k-12 private school. Small meaning 13 people... in the whole school. That's actually where I got to know my future wife; we've actually known each other since we were 8, but became friends in high school. I asked her to marry me a few months after I graduated. I had planned to go to college to get my doctorate in psychology, but after 2 semesters figured out that I wanted to focus on something else. I had no idea what, but something else nonetheless. I've had a lots of jobs in my young life:

Skating rink equipment rental agent (that's the actual title they gave me)
Sandwich artist for the place that rhymes with "Snubway" (don't want to get in tradmark trouble)
Customer service clerk for the city I grew up in, during which I actually served as a life guard for one shift when no one else showed up. I'm a terrible swimmer by the way. Thankfully everyone lived that day...
Electrician (I'm still a little twitchy...)
Barn Manager (Also the title given to me while I worked on that ranch caring for horses and their barn and other "duties as assigned" including scooping "doodie"...)
Real Estate Agent's assistant (That didn't turn out so good. I got fired after 30 days without a reason other than "I just don't think we're gonna work out". That's the first and only time I've been fired.)
Teller at a bank
Office go-fer for a large law firm (go-fer this, go-fer that...)
and Mortgage Broker. As I mentioned in my first post, I'm hoping to attend the police academy soon. It's been a dream my whole life, but I just never took it seriously I guess. Now it's all I think about, all I read about and all I want to do. We'll see how that all turns out...

Yeah, pretty crazy. I've enjoyed all of my jobs even though sometimes the people you work with drive you crazy.

On top of all that, I'm a pastor's kid who grew up in a church of 2500. I also did music for their youth group and the main congregation for several years. Those things are a whole other post which will probably be a few hundred thousand words. Kidding.

I've had my share of heartache and fun, but to be honest, most times it feels like a lot more heartache. I'm really looking forward to making new memories for the rest of my life and I'm trying to forget all the hurt in my past, but it is taking a while. I may talk about some of things eventually, but we just met! I mean, have some patience...

I know that there are people who've been in my shoes and had more than their share of pain, but sometimes I want to be selfish and think, "Why me?" or "Does anyone understand?" or "Why do I feel alone?". It's weird to feel alone when you have so many people around you. It also makes it hard to be close with people. More about that later...

That's probably enough self loathing and self grandizing. Until next time, remember,
"Common sense, just ain't..."-Mark Twain

What do I say?

2007-08-15T13:20:00.001-07:00

Wow, my first post ever! You should feel special that you're reading this. Okay, so... what should I write about? I guess a little about myself would be a great start, right? Well, I'm a happy husband, a father of two beautiful children (Yes, I'm biased. What's it to you?), a musician with shattered dreams of stardom, and hopefully sometime soon, a cop. Yes, I've done a lot in my 23 years here.

As the title says, I am country at heart. My dream is to own a ranch/farm like the one I used to work on. I understand that sounds weird to some, but I actually didn't mind shoveling horse crap, bucking hay bales, and moving fences. I LOVED it, and hope to teach my children the same appreciation and work ethic that comes with farm life. Well, back to my boring life for now. Stay tuned for further reflections of this cryptic soul... sounds mysterious, right? So you'll be back? Please?!