Things that hobos have yelled at me:

"Whatcha looking at?!" "Nothing..." "YOU PLOTTIN' ON ME?!?!" This one is probably my favorite...

"Spare some change?" "No, sorry." "That wasn't a question!" Sorry, it sure sounded like one...

"You gonna eat that?" "Yeah." "How come?" Cause as a human, we need food to sustain life. Not sure what he was getting at...

"Jesus loves you man!" "Uhhh... thanks." "You better stop doing drugs or you're going to hell!" That was the same hobo, same conversation. I'm still confused about that one...

"You got change for a dollar?" "No, sorry." "I SAID, 'DO YOU GOT CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR?!'" "NO!" I'm now walking faster and he's still slurring, "I GOTTA GET CHANGE! Arrr burrr forger my wufffun..... ALAMO!!!!" At this point, I'm at a dead sprint back to my office trying to hold onto my sandwich with my wife on the other end of the phone saying, "What is that?" "SOME GUY WANTS CHANGE AND I DON'T HAVE IT!!!"

"GOD IS GONNA JUDGE YOU!!!" Hate to be a spoiler, but I've got the "Get Out Of Hell Free" card.

It's been a while since I've encountered any hobos, but it always makes me laugh when I do get the opportunity...

How about this?

Since the only thing that let's me know that anyone reads my ramblings is comments, I'm trying to write in a way that will get people to comment. Hmmm... ponder, ponder, ponder...



I have to say that I'm enjoying my job more these days, because of a conscious choice, not necessarily because I just like it more. My wife has helped me understand that all jobs have downsides and you just have to choose to be happy. She's so smart. I wish I had thought of that along time ago. Yes, I still get frustrated when someone emails me to bring them a stapler because they need it for this project when it's on their desk. However, I've come to enjoy these little things that make me laugh at how funny people are. I like being a help to people, being the go-to guy. Probably because it strokes my ego, but I don't mind when I'm not thanked either.

Another thing I've come to understand over the years is that you shouldn't work to be thanked. So when someone asks me a stupid question and then gets mad when I point out the answer and refuses to thank me, I don't mind. Like when I told my supervisor to check my spelling of coerced (I spelled it right) by hitting "F7" to use Spell check. I went over to her computer cause she kept shouting, "NOTHING!" only find out that she was typing f7 rather than hitting the "F7" key. Rather than thank me, she got mad and also got mad that "computers are so difficult to use."

I get it, when you're old enough to have been born on Pangaea, computers can be a pain to use. "Laugh it off" I have to keep telling myself. Someday I'll get to fulfill my dream of being a cop, for now, I'm just enjoying the ride...

BOOOOOO Rockies!!!!

Stupid Rockies...

They finally get to the World Series, and what do they go and do? Make it IMPOSSIBLE for the average fan, i.e. me, to get tickets unless you're willing to spend you AND your spouse's entire 401k savings to get a pair of tickets. The only way you can get them is to purchase them online. Brilliant idea. Because you know, if you believe hard enough, your servers won't crash. Oh, and because scalpers aren't smart enough to buy more tickets than they should. Way to go guys, your first trip to the Big Show and you've already pissed off your fan base. Not a great way to start the series...

One guy I heard about bought 4 of the cheapest seats in the stadium at $65 a pop and started the bidding at $850. But then this guy gets the idea that the price is "too low" so he changed the starting bid to $1200. I hope there is a special place in hell for people like that, preferably their own ring of hell right next to Hitler and whoever came up with the show "Laguna Beach".

I have watched the Rockies since I was a little kid, I went to their first game and have probably been to 12 or 15 games. I would go to more, but my first love is hockey. Now, I'm afraid I'll have to give my full devotion to hockey. There are worse things, but I was really hoping that somehow, an average Joe could watch his team's first World Series. Those dreams are now shattered along with my dream to be 6 foot and get paid for my opinion. Well, back to work...

HOLY CRAP!!!

So, I don't know how to link you guys to my friend's blogs, but apparently there is a way to. I will spend my lunch in such research... Anywho, since all my friends have stories about how they have run ins with animals that don't belong in the house, I thought I'd share my recent experience with an unwelcome critter.

I know that when you think of raccoons, you probably think of the cute little ones that smile and hold food like people and whatnot. Just like in the 2nd picture, which is a gross misrepresentation of what raccoons are really like. What they don't want you to know is that they are the most vile and obnoxious creatures on this thing called earth. Much like the snarling one in the 1st picture. This correctly identifies the 3 raccoons in the following story. Rabid, horrid, evil spawn of hell...

I was home alone the other night as my wife was doing errands with the kids and I heard the familiar rustling of plastic bags. I thought my wife was back and coming upstairs. Hmmm... sure is taking her a while, and I don't hear Kailey screaming her head off like she does every time when enter a motor vehicle. Better go check. I open my door to find 3, yes 3 raccoons, at least 15 pounds each, digging in the trash bag I set on the porch 5 minutes ago while I did the dishes. I of course know that raccoons carry disease, so I try to scare them off. I do my best "big dog" bark, cause my real 10 pound dog barking didn't even bother the little buggers. That scared them down about 2 of the 20 stairs to my front door. They looked back up and me, realizing I'm not a big dog and walked back up in defiance to finish eating the booger filled Kleenex's and soiled diapers I had just filled the bag with. (No, they weren't MY diapers you fool. Oh, never mind.) So I start yelling at them to shoo. All three just kept on feasting. I finally got up the courage to open the door. That spooked them back down 1 stair. I wasn't drunk or crazy enough to chase them the rest of the way down and knowing that I couldn't shoot them, I decided to improvise. I grabbed my dog's leash (which immediately made Lucy think it was potty time. Dork...) and starting swinging it in the raccoon's general direction. 2 of them ran about half way down the stairs, while 1 just kept staring at me. "Maybe he was deaf and blind!! You're mean!!" No, it looked at me the way you would expect the grim reaper to look into your eyes as he steals your soul...

I got a little closer and slapped the leash on the ground right next to him. He ran down the stairs to meet up with the others where I assume they were plotting my demise cause the 1 came up up the stairs growling at me, which is a pretty frightening noise. I kept smacking the leash towards it in hopes that I didn't accidentally hit it and send it into a fit of blinding and violent rage. For whatever reason, the lord of the 3 called the assault off, because they ran off after 3 minutes or so of me wildly swinging a dog leash and yelling "YAAA!!" while trying not to act scared. My wife couldn't believe my courageous act of keeping our home safe when she got home. Actually, she didn't believe that there were raccoons in our neighborhood until the next night when I showed her 1 that was up in the tree across from our house with it's haunting, glowing eyes.

So, that's probably the craziest thing that's happened to me in the last few weeks. The next time something utterly crazy happens to me instead of my brother, I'll let you know. (I'll have a blog soon about a couple of his funniest encounters...)

Until next time, "Stay safe out there, the raccoons are watching..."

That is the exact opposite of what I wanted...

I was hoping that my "Cool People Don't:" post would spark a huge (I mean like 3 or 4 comments) conversation about things cool people don't do. That didn't turn out so great, so I'm gonna continue to blog like I normally would, maybe with some new features.

Things have been kinda crazy here at work, my supervisor is less than personable (most people use the term abrasive) which makes for an uncomfortable environment. I just try to stay out of her way, do my job better than anyone else could hope to, and help my team. No, I'm not their supervisor, but I still think of them as my team. Which is why I bought breakfast burritos for part of the team today and will probably buy lunch for the other part when my wallet isn't on a diet.

The breakfast burrito? Heavenly, so good that I'm convinced that no mortal could have designed such a delicious treat. No my friends, an angel crafted my burrito and he called that burrito, "good". Yes, it was THAT good. Which is why I'm gonna give you the link to Biker Jim's Dogs.

http://www.bikerjimsdogs.com/

He's the nicest guy this side of Tokyo and grills the best gol-dern hot dogs on the face of this wretched earth. If you look through his website, you'll see that he offers onions and cream cheese. Just do it; I promise you'll thank me later...

Pray for me, as I'm going through a very difficult time in my life. I have a lot of life changing decisions to make and a lot of life changing things happening without my permission. Just pray that I will have direction, wisdom and courage. Thanks y'all and remember...


"Don't take life so seriously. Nobody makes it out alive anyway."

"What's new?" you ask?

A lot. Too much. Here's synopsis:
Played softball last week. Lost the game and my temper, and almost got thrown out. Our outfielder fell and hit his head against the fence so hard, I thought he broke his neck. He's alright though, just reeeeeally sore. No softball yesterday cause it was colder than a well-digger's butt. Rockies won, WOOHOO!! Our new church preached on sex. AMEN!!! Got a new thermostat for my house so it's warmer inside than it is outside. My wife says, "THANK GOD!". I'm gonna wait a while before I apply for a position as a cop. Booo... Have to move or lose our house. Booo... Work has all kinds of stress; nothing new there. My daughter is starting to make all kinds of noises, so now when she cries, I sit and talk to her. That makes her smile, which makes me smile. Alright, when I can come back some more sardonic humor based on life experiences, I will. So stay tuned...

Go Rockies!!!

That is all for now...

No really...

Seriously, my last post asked for other people to chime in and no one has said a bloody word. This is not a practice people! I need your thoughts!

Maybe I really am all alone... hmmmm... that's depressing. I think I'm gonna go cry now...

Cool people don't:

(My guitar hero, Brad Paisley. Verrrry cool...)
Ok, I stole this from a local radio show, but I think it's a good point to build on. Since I'm not even in the universe as "cool", I always feel left out when I see a genuinely cool person. Then I see all these people doing idiotic things they think are cool, and it makes me feel better. So here's my very short list of things cool people DON'T do.

Cool people don't:

Spend $40,000 on a convertible and ride with the top down, and the windows up.

On the same note, they don't put accessories on their car that cost as much as the car. Specifically, all you idiots who put spoilers on your 1994 Dodge Neon. Don't race me either; I don't have the fastest car ever, but Josh Blue could outrun your car. Google Josh Blue if you don't know who he is.

Wear $3 flip flops from Old Navy and carry fake Gucci bags. You're wearing jeans from the Target clearance rack and you want me to believe you're carrying a $2,000 Chanel and Company handbag? I didn't fall off the turnip truck... I was pushed...

Wear clothes from the opposite sex. This pretty much applies to guys, specifically of the Emo persuasion. I get it, you can stuff your junk into girl's pants. I'm supposed to be impressed by that? I must have missed how wearing pants that used to be called "Capri's" are now cool for guys to wear.

Scream, "Don't tase me bro!"

Have long hair when they're balding. Seriously, just shave it. I'd rather look at a misshapen head than a comb over. The worst is the bald on top and long hair in the back, which I think looks like an egg wearing a hula skirt.

Whistle annoying songs that get stuck in other people's heads.

Feel free to add your own. Really, I want to continue this, but I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest...