So, I don't know how to link you guys to my friend's blogs, but apparently there is a way to. I will spend my lunch in such research... Anywho, since all my friends have stories about how they have run ins with animals that don't belong in the house, I thought I'd share my recent experience with an unwelcome critter.
I know that when you think of raccoons, you probably think of the cute little ones that smile and hold food like people and whatnot. Just like in the 2nd picture, which is a gross misrepresentation of what raccoons are really like. What they don't want you to know is that they are the most vile and obnoxious creatures on this thing called earth. Much like the snarling one in the 1st picture. This correctly identifies the 3 raccoons in the following story. Rabid, horrid, evil spawn of hell...
I was home alone the other night as my wife was doing errands with the kids and I heard the familiar rustling of plastic bags. I thought my wife was back and coming upstairs. Hmmm... sure is taking her a while, and I don't hear Kailey screaming her head off like she does every time when enter a motor vehicle. Better go check. I open my door to find 3, yes 3 raccoons, at least 15 pounds each, digging in the trash bag I set on the porch 5 minutes ago while I did the dishes. I of course know that raccoons carry disease, so I try to scare them off. I do my best "big dog" bark, cause my real 10 pound dog barking didn't even bother the little buggers. That scared them down about 2 of the 20 stairs to my front door. They looked back up and me, realizing I'm not a big dog and walked back up in defiance to finish eating the booger filled Kleenex's and soiled diapers I had just filled the bag with. (No, they weren't MY diapers you fool. Oh, never mind.) So I start yelling at them to shoo. All three just kept on feasting. I finally got up the courage to open the door. That spooked them back down 1 stair. I wasn't drunk or crazy enough to chase them the rest of the way down and knowing that I couldn't shoot them, I decided to improvise. I grabbed my dog's leash (which immediately made Lucy think it was potty time. Dork...) and starting swinging it in the raccoon's general direction. 2 of them ran about half way down the stairs, while 1 just kept staring at me. "Maybe he was deaf and blind!! You're mean!!" No, it looked at me the way you would expect the grim reaper to look into your eyes as he steals your soul...
I got a little closer and slapped the leash on the ground right next to him. He ran down the stairs to meet up with the others where I assume they were plotting my demise cause the 1 came up up the stairs growling at me, which is a pretty frightening noise. I kept smacking the leash towards it in hopes that I didn't accidentally hit it and send it into a fit of blinding and violent rage. For whatever reason, the lord of the 3 called the assault off, because they ran off after 3 minutes or so of me wildly swinging a dog leash and yelling "YAAA!!" while trying not to act scared. My wife couldn't believe my courageous act of keeping our home safe when she got home. Actually, she didn't believe that there were raccoons in our neighborhood until the next night when I showed her 1 that was up in the tree across from our house with it's haunting, glowing eyes.
So, that's probably the craziest thing that's happened to me in the last few weeks. The next time something utterly crazy happens to me instead of my brother, I'll let you know. (I'll have a blog soon about a couple of his funniest encounters...)
Until next time, "Stay safe out there, the raccoons are watching..."
No comments:
Post a Comment