Top 5 things to NOT do at work

1. Puke. Do I really need to explain this one? Someone here threw up in our office today. If you're that sick, go home.

2. Qualify anything coming out of your mouth with, "This may sound dumb..." Too late. You've already set my expectations high, so this better be stupid...

3. Mess anything up. They'll hold it over your head for the rest of your days there, if not your life.
Forget to color coordinate the post it notes? How dare you!
Open a piece of mail that should normally be opened? And I didn't tell you that I wanted it to remain unopened? You pathetic little creature!
Mispronounce a name or forget a person's name? MAY YOU BURN IN THE 7TH RING OF HELL!!!!

4. Tell a secret. Remember Ben Franklin's mantra about secrets, "3 can keep a secret if 2 are dead." If you're upset with someone at your work, and aren't brave enough to confront them, don't tell anyone else that you're angry. It'll get back to that person and then you'll be in an even more uncomfortable position. Oh, and never tell anyone else that you're looking for another job. I don't care how good of friends you are with this person, they'll find someone to tell. In fact, if you tell anyone in your office you want to leave, you've given them permission to shout it from the rooftops. They'll be like a mosquito at a nudist colony; they won't know where to start...

5. Do anything if you don't know how to. This is guaranteed trouble. If you start messing with something and don't know how to do it, you might as well just pour lighter fluid on it, strike a match, and walk away. Think of it this way; every extra second you spend trying to get the object to do what you want when you have no idea how, you're adding 10 minutes of time it takes me to fix whatever the hell you did, PLUS you're subtracting years off of MY life because you've caused me stress and forced me to build an unnatural hatred at the mere mention of your name. I have been on both sides of this, so I guess I should be a little nicer, but this is a huge pet peeve of mine.