What is it with people and not following the rules when it comes to elevators? There aren't that many and they are not hard to follow either. Here, since y'all don't have a clue as to what I'm talking about, here's my own personal 10 commandments:
1. Do NOT under ANY circumstances stick any body part into a closing elevator door. What the crap are you thinking? First of all, it's bloody annoying. We're upset that you were in such a hurry that you felt the need to let out a karate yell and stick an appendage in the elevator doors to go up the elevator 27 seconds faster than if you waited for the next one. Plus you get to feel our icy stares the entire way up. For the love of meat, just wait for the next one...
Secondly, YOU COULD DIE!!! What if those doors slammed on your arm and the elevator continued to go up? "It's supposed to stop for me" you might say. People aren't supposed to hit and run, drink and drive, and they should always pay attention to where they're going to, but I don't see you sticking your foot in front of a speeding car. You may think I'm being paranoid, but here's proof:
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/elevator.asp
Be safe and be patient. Wait for the next freaking elevator...
2. Don't push a level/floor button that's already been pushed. How dare you think that your button pushing skills are better than mine! If you really have to push a button, push the close door button. It doesn't do anything (just like crosswalk buttons), but it's better than insinuating that my button pushing is inferior.
3. I know you saw me walking behind you. You even walked faster in order to beat me to the elevator. Then you gave me that stupid look as the door closed in my face as if to say, "Oh, I didn't see you!" and proceeded to pretend like you tried to hold the door for me. Rule #3 is to always be kind to the people behind you and hold the door for them. The elevator gods are always watching and they will send you bad ju ju. Elevator ju ju is the worst kind... refer to the link in rule #1. Bet she never held the door for anyone either...
4. No asking stupid questions or trying to start conversation cause you're socially awkward and learned a new "how to talk to people" technique on Oprah. We don't have to talk in here. I'm perfectly content thinking about my broken washing machine, my overdrawn checking account, the fact that my socks don't match, and that I forgot my lunch and have no cash. Here's a couple tips: Don't EVER start a sentence with "so", "ummm", "wow", or any other vague adverb that only requires a one word answer. "So, you work here?" No, I'm actually inventing a new sport, "Extreme Elevator Riding"...
"Wow, great weather huh?" Sure is, why don't you go enjoy it so I can ride the elevator in peace? Speaking of "huh", don't end a question in "huh?" either. It makes you sound stupid and it forces me to answer in a stupid way like, "Yup" or "Uh-huh". Just stay away from yes and no questions as a general rule. If you HAVE to awaken me from half-sleepy stupor on the ride up, at least have the decency to ask me a somewhat intelligent question that will make me want to stay and talk with you.
5. Touch me and I swear to the elevator gods I will bite you; and no I haven't had my shots. That's just if you're a girl. If you're a dude, I'll give you a purple nurple until your knees lock and you pass out.
6. Yes, I smell that too. No it wasn't me and since there's only two of us, that makes one of us a liar. Pretending like you're just getting your first whiff doesn't make me think you're innocent. It makes me think you're a crappy liar. Your wife and even your mistress may fall for it, but your dog and I know the truth. Thanks so much for making me smell your $1.13 breakfast burrito. Please go crawl in a hole and poison yourself instead of me...
7. Don't touch me. I have space issues. I don't mind riding in an elevator with lots of people, I just don't want them all touching me. Germ-aphobe? You better believe it! Today you'll shake hands with 10 people who went the bathroom and didn't wash their hands. Americans as a whole received a "D" in hand washing. I hope you see my point...
8.If your floor is one of the first ones we go to, stand in the front, stupid. Don't push your way through. Push me, and I'll push you back, but I'll make sure you fall on your face, scuff your $400 shoes, wrinkle your $1800 Banana Republic shirt-pant combo, spill your $8 coffee and accidentally goose the cute girl in front of you so that she slaps you unconscious.
9. Don't ask about my lunch. It's personal. It's my lunch, I don't want to tell you where I got it or how much I paid for it and I really don't want to hear about what you got and how good of a deal it was. Don't comment on how good my lunch smells either. That's just plain weird.
10. Stare at me and you'll suffer the same fate as people who touch me. Have I mentioned how much I hate being touched?
"The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures."
4 comments:
So, you hate to be touched, huh?
I can't even begin to tell you how much I loathe people touching me. It's the paranoid cop in me I guess.
I figured you'd just answer with "yep".
No, and the reason I started this was because someone was literally LEANING against me in the elevator on my way up! There was 4 people in the elevator and this person was using me as a lean-to. I hope he falls through the floor of an elevator someday...
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