Anti-Job Description

Apparently some people don't understand what I do for a living. So I guess a list is needed of things I am not and things I do not do.

I am NOT a doormat: Don't think that because I make less than half your salary, didn't graduate from a nice college, am dumber, and uglier than you means that you can treat me like dirt. Don't walk on me to get what you want.
I have feelings too. I feel hot, I feel cold.
I also have a sensitive side, it's the one with the rash.
I'm not emotional or needy, but I don't like going home feeling like everyone's wiped their crappy day on me.

I am NOT a scapegoat: Don't blame me for things that you didn't do. If you want my help, just ask. I'm not above doing menial tasks. My job description includes "duties as assinged", however it does not include, "holder of blame" or "everyone's whipping child". Trust me, I've looked to be sure. Twice...

I will NOT do things that are YOUR job: You get paid a hell of a lot more than me to do half the work I do. Do your damn job and quit dumping things on me cause you want to re-organize your pens, check your email every 2 minutes, and "research" on the internet when I know you're on the 5th level of "World Video Poker". You went to school, you got the job, you get the money. You want to treat me like ca-ca because of those things, but then turn around and not do the work? You can't have it both ways. In fact, you can't have it either way. Do things my way, and we'll both be happier.

I will NOT cater to your every wish, whim and desire: You want a new mouse, new chair, new keyboard, new computer, bigger monitor, foot rest, coasters, the pens you had at your old work, and an air freshner that smells like the island you vacationed on. I want to be a foot taller, own an island and I especially don't want to work with you. Looks like neither of us is gonna getting what we want. I'll put up with you, and you can feel free to dig through that closet and have whatever you find, even if it's not broken! See how nice I am? Remember it...

I am NOT a "sounding board" for you to "vent" to: That's bull. You want someone to yell at, and I happen to be the one who catches your hell-fury. F* that noise. I could take you in a fight any day, I don't care who you are. Let's just use this as a rule: if I was an angry drunken bastard, 7 feet tall, 375 pounds of pure muscle, and you ran into me at a bar, would you talk to me that same way? Didn't think so. Remember that too, cause I'm a hell of a lot meaner. I just choose not to use my wit to cut you to shreds, cause you are obviously unarmed in such a match...

Which brings me to the biggest one...

I am NOT your friend: We work together, but that doesn't mean we're like family or even friends. It means that we're stuck in the same damn prison together for 8 hours a day. Same rules apply: Trust no one, watch your back, and don't drop the soap. Maybe the last one only applies to me, cause I'm always the one who ends up getting.... you know...
You're a nice person. I might even want to sign your card when your lazy ass gets fired, but I'm not your friend. If you want a friend, find someone else you can stab in the back and spread gossip about when you get mad at them for stealing your favorite pen. I left junior high a few years ago, let me know when you do and maybe we can hang out together. Maybe...