"Sign here kid. Slow down and have a nice day."

FREE AT LAST!! Free at last, thank GOD ALMIGHTY, I'm free at last!!!My last day at my job was yesterday and man is it surreal. I'm really gonna miss all the people I work with, but let me tell you, I won't miss all the drama with my boss(es). It was a good season and I learned a lot of myself and what I need to do in order to better myself. I've learned a lot about how to deal with people, and I've gotten a lot of support for my new career, which I don't get in a lot of places. Of course, I'm not doing it to feel popular. I do it for the free doughnuts. Kidding... I'm doing it because I believe it and I want to make a difference. It's nice to feel like some people understand that. I don't think you could ever really understand the feeling of wanting to lay your life down for someone you don't know, unless you had that feeling and followed it. But at least people are happy for me. That's most important.


School starts in 4 days. Oh man, this is so awesome!

You'd think...

Since I've been so bored up at the front desk, I'd be writing more. Well, truth is we're supposed to be limiting our computer time. *Wah wah* Plus I've been reading a Tom Clancy book, which takes the same amount of time as a full time job. It's like 800 pages, and even though I read like 100 pages one day last week, it's hard to just read like that, even though I love to read and I'm kind of a speed reader... get to the point already.

So, I FINALLY got my letter from the police academy with all the supplies I need and I bought almost everything I need over the weekend. Boots, uniform pants, gym-style shirt (complete with iron on letters), sweat pants (I even got sweat shorts. Where was I when that happened? It's genius!), all kinds of cool police things. Today I'll be turning in my notice to my current job, which I'm nervous about, but I'm more stoked than anything. .

I'm so ready to do something I want to do than stuck doing what I'm doing now. Does it feel great to help people at my work? Yeah. Does it feel great to complete a huge copy project? Not really. Do I enjoy picking up the pieces of other people's mistakes? Kind of actually... which is good, since I'm gonna be doing that a lot. It's not good though, cause when I think about it, it's almost like I'm a glutton for punishment. My nickname here at work for a while was "Monkey" because an attorney here was snooping in someone else's office while they were gone and I happened to be walking by when he knocked over a plate and it shattered everywhere. I walked in and took the verbal abuse ("Why is that in here? He shouldn't be leaving plates around." I'm sorry, you've mistaken me for someone who cares...) and without being asked to, I picked up the mess. I never even thought about it, I just saw it needed to be done, so I did it. Well, all my co workers heard the crash, so they asked what happened and once I explained it, I realized how subservient I soudned. One of the guys goes, "Did you offer to clean HIS office too? Geez, they have you trained man. Now... Jump Monkey, Jump!"
So everyone would joke when I walked in and scrath themselves going, "Ooooo AHHHAHHHH! Jump monkey, jump!"

Thought I'd share a little inside joke with you...


I might be posting very much for a while, like the rest of the year. School is close and once that starts, I'll have time to study, eat, study, breathe, study and maybe sleep. I'll try to give little updates here and there, but don't be disappointed if it's a while. I'll try to get back in the habit once I get hired on somewhere and things settle down a bit. Love y'all!

The New Sheriff In Town,
Cowboy

Booooooooooooooooooored...

So our lovely receptionist quit and since I'm the one with the most knowledge... yup. I'm stuck up here. It was supposed to only be for a few weeks, because they had a candidate who wanted to start in the second week of July. Well, she turned down our offer and now I'm stuck up here until they find someone else. I have to say that the job is pretty easy, but how do you engage yourself in a job like this? I answer phones, schedule meetings, and recently I've become a personal waiter. I stamp invoices and count how many calls I answer. Apparently, though I remain speculative and highly doubtful, there are people who WANT to do this for a living. As in, they want this as a career.

How is answering a phone a career? And why the crap would you WANT to do it for the rest of your working, possibly natural, life? No offense if that's what you want, but I'm appaled that anyone with an IQ higher than that of a damp dishrag would want to do this for a living. I can't engage my mind in these type of menial, banal, trite tasks. I can only answer the phone so many ways. I can only pretend to have so many accents. I can only say, "You have the wrong number cause this is a pizza place, not a law firm." before I find it sickening that I'm stuck screening calls like a personal assistant for 80 people. I joke, I joke... I don't actually do those things, but I do have a hard time finding things to keep me occupied. Since I'm chained up here (might as well be literal rather than metaphorical) there's only so many things I can do. I will say that it a nice break, a healthy change of pace. However, I'm not sure I'll feel the same way in another week of being addressed as "Ma'm" or "Cory". (I've been here 3 years altogether and an attorney still calls me Cory. What did I ever do to him?)

The good news is that if everything goes according to plan, I'll be outta here in 7 weeks. Then I'll be answering calls to pull a cat from under a house, throw an unruly and drunk son in jail, and when people think it's a cop's job to tell their kid that if they don't eat their vegetables they'll get arrested. I'm counting the days...

A somber change of tone (if only temporarily)

I'm writing this as I think, so I apologize that my fingers aren't as fast as my brain...

Some friends of ours (Jamie and I) recently had a child. However, there were lots of complications and the baby, Molly, didn't start crying for 4 minutes. The doctors tested her and tested her for various things like her heart and her brain and found problems with both. She has pulmonary hypertension and irreversible brain damage on both sides equaling 50%. She is blind in both eyes and upon further testing they found an aneurysm in her brain. The doctors say that even if they proceed with dangerous surgeries, she will need as many as 20 to fix the problems they've seen so far. The doctors don't expect her to make it to the weekend. This is our friend's first child. So many questions run through your mind. "Why?" being the most prominent one. Why would a God capable of moving mountains and raising the dead let something like this happen to a child less than a day old? How could a parent make a decision like that to either prolong pain or let nature take from you what you've barely had? It's been a long time since I've been so closely affected by death. I like to think that I don't let things like this affect me, but for some reason this is really shaking me and (if not rattling, at least disturbing) my faith. I know that it's not God's fault. The God I believe in doesn't do things like this for any reason, much less to teach someone a lesson. My question is more, why wouldn't he intervene? I'm not a supreme being, so I'm sure there's more to it than that, but I can still act like I know what's best for the world. I'm so confused and so hurt on a lot of different levels. Like I said, normally things like this don't affect me, but for some reason this really hit home. Probably because I have 2 kids and I don't know what I would do if something happened to them. Forgive me for gushing my feelings, but I need somewhere to put them and I guess a private forum like a blug on the interweb is gonna have to do...

Stay Safe,
Cowboy

Reason 5,367,475 I hate my job. Also referred to as, "Why people call lawyers a**holes."

Our receptionist is out today doing stuff for school. So I got stuck up at the front desk again. I've finally resorted to reading up here because I can't stand to read one more article about Clay Aiken impregnating a 50 year old woman. (WTF?)
Anyway, one of the first calls I got this morning was from a guy looking for an attorney and he made it abundantly clear that it was an emergency by the tone in his voice. Oh yeah, he also made it clear by saying it was an emergency 4 times before I could get any response out. I called the attorney; no answer. His secretary is gone, so I tell him, "I'm sorry, I can't reach him and his secretary is gone, would you like his voicemail?"
"NO! I NEED to speak to him. Is he in the office today?"
"I don't have any notes about him being gone, but let me have someone look for him."
I call back to my supervisor and have her run upstairs to look for this guy. She tells me that he's not in today. I tell homeboy, he's not in and try to ask him if there's someone else who might be able to help him. I get interrupted and told, "Look! This is very important and I want you to listen very carefully to me." At this point, I'm ready to just hang up the phone and quit, but for whatever I continued to endure being spoken to like a retarded 4 year old with a hearing problem.
"Are you listening to me? This is what I need you to do. I'm a client! You received a fax from WIPO..."
I know what WIPO stands for, but he proceeds to spell it out and then slowly pronounce each syllable of the full name. Still fighting the urge to scream the first expletive that entered my mind coupled with a random noun-adjective pairing like "monkey-licking" I continued to listen. "I NEED that fax sent to so and so, spelled ..... and ME the CLIENT spelled...."
Now I'm plotting the ways to butcher the names and make it look like someone else sent the faxes.
"So I need a partner or someone who can make that happen. Do you understand me?"
My first instinct is to say, "I'm sorry, I don't speak English." with no accent at all. However, I give in and say, "Yes, let me see if I do that for you."
Long story long, I find the fax and say, "I have the fax in my hand, what are the fax numbers I need to send this to?" Apparently he's shocked that I was intelligent enough to accomplish such a monumental task, like reading the name on a fax...
"You found it? You have it? It's from WIPO? W-I-P-O? World.... In-tell-ec-tual... Prop-er-ty... Or-gan-i-za-tion?"
"Yes, what numbers do I need to send it to?" I answered with as much sarcasm as I could muster feeling proud of showing this pompous windbag that you don't need a law degree to have a functioning brain. So Mr. Dumbass tells the person behind him, "Hey! Leo! The young lady on the phone here has it. What's your fax number?"
Never in my life have I been so humiliated and angry at the same time. How did I not even have the gonads to correct him by telling him I'm a man? No idea. I figured it wasn't worth my time. I hear that patience is essential to being a cop. I'm guessing this will only serve to help me when I'm being yelled at and called, "a pig who uses excessive force on poor helpless people cause I got picked on in school and need to bully someone to make up for a lack of sack." Then I get to help when they call 911 cause that same helpless person has broken into their house and held a gun to their head, but now they're angry cause, "the 5-0 ain't never around when you need 'em."

God I can't wait for it... seriously, I'm counting the days. If I quit when I'm thinking I will, it's exactly 75 days away. The question is do I have the patience to make another 75 days... only time will tell.


Peace out

Back to school, back to school...

Hooray! There were three things left for me to give to the police academy in order to be completely ready. I took my birthday off work and got all of them taken care of in just a couple hours. I'm so excited that I've finally gotten this stuff done. Since I was at the college I talked with Financial Aid about increasing the amount of loans I'm getting. My award letter originally said that I would get roughly $4600 for the fall and $4600 for the spring. The academy ends in December i.e. before the spring semester and I don't plan on failing, so that money for spring is kinda useless. I explained my situation and despite some initial miscommunication, I'll end up getting all of the money for fall! WOOHOO!!! So instead of having to eat Ramen and live in a cardboard castle behind Safeway while I go to school, we can actually afford most of our current lifestyle. I'll just have to stop drinking that $70 dollar bottled water and eating caviar for every meal...
What three things you ask? Well, I had to get a copy of my driving record, a background check from CBI, and a physical exam. All good news from those. I got a ticket last year, but before that it had been 5 years. CBI shows nothing under my name meaning I've never been in trouble and never been arrested. Physical? Of course a female doctor performed it leading to much embarrassment on my part. Alas, I no longer have to worry about there being any unknown health problems including breast or testicle cancer. TMI? Good.

Alright, I'm gonna continue my slow decay sitting up at the front desk watching the phone not ring. I surfed to the end of the inter-web yesterday, so now I'll work my way back...

Peace out

I hate concussions...

They hurt, they make you feel nauseous and they make you feel stoopid. That's all the energy I can muster today.


Peace out suckers...

Waiting on my world to change...

When you know that you're gonna go vacation in Hawaii, it's really really hard to stay optimistic when you're in Fargo, North Dakota freezing your assets off. I use this offbeat analogy to describe the way I feel about working when I know I'm going to the academy. I'm freezing in Office Space hell and awaiting me is the excitement of thousands of push ups, sit ups, pull ups and other ups, hundreds of tests and thousands upon thousands of reports and paperwork!! How will I ever get there? I don't know, but my paradise awaits me...


(I take no responsibility for anything said in this blog as I sustained a head injury last night in my softball game. Don't worry, I got to 1st base OK and because my head threw the ball off course, a runner scored. No softballs were injured in the making of this.)

What now you ask?

Here's the answer:

I'm attending an academy that Arapahoe Community College puts on at it's campus. So it's just like going to school, I'm taking out loans to pay for it and applying for grants. The departments who would have paid for me to go through the academy (and paid me while I was attending) required 60 semester hours and I only have half of that right now. After a lot of research it just made more sense to go through a school because I can choose what department I want to work for in the end. Along with the stuff I mentioned in the last post, I have to go back and talk to Financial Aid and see if I can take out more loans since I won't be able to work while going to school. The director of the academy showed me the schedule for last year and it was 6 days a week with classes at night too. Sometimes they schedule things on the day off like when they cancel classes and need to reschedule or there is just a lot of curriculum to go over. It's gonna be an intense 16 1/2 weeks, but I'm so stoked and I can't wait for the challenge. I actually get a little teary eyed when I think about graduating. Of course, I cried at the movie, "Stuart Little", so that's not saying much, but know that I'm VERY EXCITE!!!!

Drumroll please......

You're looking at the newest member of the Arapahoe Community College's Police Academy!!! I guess you're reading, not looking, but you get the point.

I have to get a physical, fingerprinted, and submit a copy of my driving record, but once that stuff clears, I'm in!!!!!

How did I get cream cheese on my forehead?

The attorneys at our work are nice enough to buy us bagels every Friday; they're even nice enough to buy us cream cheese! Well, I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror as I left and there was a streak of strawberry cream cheese on my forehead near the hairline. Obviously I was veeeeery hungry...

Great success!!!

I have an appointment with the detective in charge of interviewing potential academy students Monday the 21st at 1:00. VERY EXCITE!!! Send good thoughts, pray, burn incense, WHATEVER IT TAKES!!! Do it.

Police Academy update

So I have completed my application and now all that's left is an interview with the Academy Director. Scaaaary. Hopefully that will go well and they'll offer me a spot. Wish me luck!

Stay away from the Reid kids

No new haircut, I wimped out

I am using a new hair product though and no hairspray. That's a good change though right?

New haircut?

Since I'm feeling the need to change lots of things in my life, I'm gonna considering a new haircut also. I've had my current "style" since I was 15 or 16, and I think it's kind of out of style now. I'm gonna look at some other hair dos, so if you have any suggestions, let me know...

Possibly a Mohawk? Mullet? Put them together for a Mull-hawk?

Want a million dollars?

If you can find an efficient algorithm for an NP-complete problem, the Clay Math Institute in Cambridge will give you a million dollars. Alright, get to work...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P_versus_NP

Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?

So my wife has been asking me to shave my mustache for a while now. Now a little history is needed to understand how big this is. I haven't shaved my mustache, EVER. The closest I've been is trimming it really short and that was by accident while experimenting with a new electric razor. I also nearly lost an eyebrow that morning. Any who, I brought up the idea to a friend at my work and she was convinced that I should do it. She said that my only options were to shave it off or grow it long so that I can look evil and dastardly when I twirl the ends of it. Her brother is a musician, and I told her that if he would write a song about my stache, I would shave it. Well, being that I am at times ridiculously impulsive, I shaved it off anyway. This was the same night I got a new set of reading glasses. Since I was advised to wear them when I read, work on the computer and even drive at night. I find myself wearing them a lot. In the spirit of change, I'm trying to decide if there is anything else I should change about my look. Any ideas?

I can't seem to upload the song here, so if you want to hear "Mustache Time" by Brad Zygai, give me your email address and I'll send it to you.

More fake motivational posters...

So bloody bored

I'm so bored, I can't even think straight. My humor tank has been emptied trying to salvage this stupid excuse for a "day". I need a drink. It's not even 5 o'clock. Look something shiny! Later...

Unchain my heart... actually, I'd prefer my butt being unchained from this chair...

I'm stuck up here at the front desk of my work. Trapped. Trapped like a rat. Actually, rats require a bribe, like food, to be trapped. I'm trapped like a fin-less fish on the beach. I want to get out and enjoy the outdoors. Literally, anything out side of doors. The freaking sidewalk would be a welcome change...

My supervisor is gone so I'm stuck working from 7:30 to 5. Typically I'm too busy to get a full lunch and work about 10 hours a day. Then I get to go home and I'm with my kids and wife until 8 or 8:30 at which point I've been awake for almost 16 hours and can barely keep my eyes open long enough to make sure I don't poke my eye out with the remote and accidently change the channel with my fork. I can't wait for the day when I can have alone time in my patrol car and just think for a few mintues every know and then. I like being busy and I love my family, but my alone time nowadays is less than nothing. I can't even pee without my son barging in or someone at work waiting outside the stall door saying, "By the way, I wanted to ask you... (insert project with outrageous numbers and requirements in impossible time period)"

What have I become?

If you've read more than 1 post on here, you'll know that I'm not normal. In fact, one of my biggest pet peeves is being lumped into some generalized group set within certain confines. Something about begin so easily defined really irks me. I'm a complicated person and I don't fit into those kind of parameters. There are times when I say things or do things that even has my wife going, "Huh?" and she knows me better than anyone. There are times when I find myself doing things simply to NOT fit in. However, Tuesday night at 8:59, that all changed...
I gave in, gave up and went along with the crowd. Yes mom, all my friends jumped off the bridge and I jumped too. I fit in the box now, I can now take personality tests in crappy magazine and feel like it describes me to a "t". I can read studies and know that I am one of 67% of people who do this when this happens.
What did I do you ask?
I'm afraid to tell because you may never look at me the same.
Promise not to laugh.
PROMISE!!!
Pinky swear?
Ok, here it is:
I voted for my favorite American Idol.
OH MY HELL!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!?! May God forgive me and have grace on my soiled soul...

You have the right to remain BURNED!!!!

Someone found this in a University Parking lot...
Glad she just left a note. Imagine if she had waited by this chick's car for her! She'd probably take a tire iron to her...

Suspended? I've never even heard that word in the same sentence as my name...

So I joined my brother's hockey team a few months ago, and boy was that a wake up to how out of shape I am. I've been exercising a lot more, and my stamina is about twice as much as it used to be, but I didn't realize how in shape my brother is to do all that. He's a freak of nature to skate for an hour at 110%, literally. Now, for those of you who know, I stopped playing hockey after I lost 2 teeth not too long before my sixteenth birthday. However, I've been coaching my brother's team for a long time and he really wanted me to join his team, and reluctantly I did. My brother is the best player on the team, and while I'm nowhere NEAR as good as he is, I'm not in the bottom half either. I'm a fence straddler...
My first game, I played defense cause I didn't have the stamina to keep going up on offense and then back checking on defense. I got burned 3 times and had three goals scored when my line was out. Then someone told me that's the opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing. "Wait, I'm NOT supposed to let them score? CRAP!". I like to call that "Things that would have been nice to know yesterday." My brother gave me some pointers and showed me a few things, which is weird cause I've been teaching him since he was 7 or 8. But the kid's good and I'm not gonna argue with someone who will play professional roller hockey next year, and will probably play in the junior Olympics. I may be dumb, but I ain't stoopid. The next game I broke up 6 or 7 plays including a few 2 on 1's, pulled a Sidney Crosby style move faking out a defense man by turning my back to him, bouncing the puck off the boards, and spinning around him, and later in the game, scored a back handed goal. I was really looking forward to last night's game and hoping to score at least one more goal. Well, we played a team called the Colorado Cons, and not as in con-artists. My player says that one of the guys just got out of jail for murder, no joke. Hmmmm... kinda scary, but ok. I played a solid 4 minutes in the first period and then I went out for the last 3 or so minutes of the period. Well, time's up and the whistle blows. My brother has the puck on the boards and this guy takes both hands and hits him in the back of the head, face first into the glass. (Quick interruption; this league? It's for adults, but not like professional adults. It's an adult rec league, but in reality it's a league for people who've never played and some people who are kinda good.) My brother takes one hand and shoves the guy(#43) off. #43 grabs my brother's stick and hits him across the stomach and starts swinging on him with one hand, and drops the stick trying to grab my brother's jersey to pull him into his punches with the other. I immediately skate over and shove #43 and he hits me in the face mask. What seemed like an eternity later, the referees showed up and pulled us apart. He got thrown out for that game and his next game. The bad news? The rink has a no tolerance policy for fighting and established a "3rd man in" rule for fighting; basically stating that if you enter a fight as the 3rd man, it's an immediate game misconduct and a "game and a game" suspension, interpreted: I got thrown out of last night's game and tonight's game. Major suckness. I'd like to think that if I knew I was going to get thrown out, I would have just shot in on the guy, taken him to the ground and beat his head in; but I know that's not the truth. I'm not that kind of person, I just wanted to protect my brother, which is why I never threw a punch. In reality, I never even connected much with my shoves, I just distracted him long enough for my brother to skate off and get the refs in. I'm upset that I'm missing the game tonight, but I'm glad that I was able to protect my brother. He's a crap-load bigger than me, but he's a total softy. He never even threw a punch either, he was just gonna keep dodging them til the refs came. My fear was that this guy just wanted to take him out of the game by hurting him, so I stepped in. I'm not a brawler, but I know that one day soon, when I'm a cop, there's gonna be a lot of fights I'll be in, and I'm kinda glad that I got a little experience and I'm not afraid to defend those who can't (in this case won't) defend themselves. That's my heart-touching story of the day... later.

If music were the language we spoke...

I think a normal conversation would sound something like this:

"Hello? Is it me you're looking for?"
"Should I stay or should I go?"
"Please stay."
"This ain't a scene, it's an arms race."
"I'll be watching you."
"I can't stop loving you."
"My heart will go on."


Please feel free to continue this conversation.

It's important to laugh... especially when you can identify with some of these.

I hate sick people

Sick people are the most miserable people on the face of the earth. They're always whining about how everything hurts, "I don't want to get up", make me chicken soup, rub my feet, waaaah waaaah wahhhh... yeah, you guessed it, I've finally succumb to this ungodly flu going around. I was doing so good keeping it at bay, but my body and my mind disagreed on that apparently. Crapdamn. As I write this I'm sucking down Alkaseltzer like it was the cure for cancer. Maybe I can make the best of a crappy situation and figure out a way to infect those who irritate me today. Beware office companions of the random misplaced tissue today... *bwa ha ha ha* (cough) (cough) (hacking lung biscuits) (CHOKING!!) SOMEONE HELP! Never mind, it was just a loogie the size of a croquet ball. I'm good... for now.

Call it an angel, call it a muse...

That's the first chorus line of my favorite song ever. After that it says, "Call it karma that you've got comin' to you, what's the difference? What's in a name? What matters most is never ever losin' faith. Cause it's gonna be alright, you're not alone tonight." I've really had to follow that advice over the last couple of days. I had given up on my search to find a police department that will put me through the academy and just applied to Arapahoe Community College's academy. The college accepted me, now I'm waiting to hear from the academy itself. However, someone told me two days ago that Hilo (Hawaii's capital) is looking for cops. In fact, they are so desperate, they're offering to advance people to their chosen field (narcotics, homicide, SWAT, etc.) within 2 years, pay you $600 to drive your personal car on patrol, pay $1,000 a year for your weapon and all other kinds of benefits. Plus it's freaking Hawaii. However, the cost of living is about 50% higher than out here and the salary is only 7% higher. I'm not a math wiz, but that's a big difference. Plus, we love the church we going to, and all the friends we have made recently and it would be really difficult to leave them. At this point, I've decided it would be wiser to go to school and try to get on a department here. Don't ask me why I think it's wiser, because I really want a fresh start and what better place than Hawaii? I'm not exactly happy with the decision right now, but I'm hoping eventually that I'll feel like I made the wise choice.

BEST GAME EVER

So my best friend's brother designs and tests video games. I know, best job ever right? Well, I went over to my friend's house to play the newest game he's been working on. It's called "Pain" and appropriately so. The goal of the game is to launch your character into things from a giant slingshot and the more damage you cause the city and the more pain you inflict on your character, the better. Why is it so funny to put your character through such things? If you don't think it's funny, stop reading and never come back. The only way that this game could be better is if you could upload pictures of people you loathe. I think it would be a much healthier way to deal with your anger than going postal. Plus it's a lot more fun when you play the game with the guy who helped design it, because when doesn't do what you think it should, you have a face to be angry at. Play this game. No excuses. Don't have a Playstation? Me neither. You don't hear me making excuses...

I'm so ashamed...

I went out to help a friend last night, because her dog made a hole in the kitchen floor of the house she's trying to move out of. So I went over to help her lay down new tiles. It took a while, but it was great to see her and we had fun doing it. However, I didn't eat before and was starving when I was done. I got home at almost 9 and was too lazy to make anything, so I broke the 11th commandment for the second time this month and had a Hot Pocket. Hell hath no fury like a 7 month old Hot Pocket....

Why it's better to just eat less and exersize more...

Here's one person's explanation of the side effects of the diet pill Alli

(Beware: Profanity throughout, his word's, not mine. But still freaking hilarious.)

Alli is a new over-the-counter weight-loss pill which, predictably enough, has proven to be a massive best-seller from the moment it became available. The drug, manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline, reportedly works by blocking the absorption of excess fats by the body. And folks are waddling, not walking, to their local drug stores for a chance to start on the Alli "program."

As is the case with most drugs, Alli comes with a risk of certain side effects. Or, as they're known on the company website, treatment effects.

A person is reportedly limited to 15 grams of fat per meal, and if they go over (or even if they don't), there's a significant chance they'll find themselves out behind a shopping center somewhere, crying and clutching a wad of horrifyingly soiled undergarments, searching for a place to ditch it.

As best as I can tell, anyway...

Since a lot of this stuff is couched in language that is technically truthful, but very carefully worded, I've taken it upon myself to go through the list of side (treatment) effects and warnings, and translate it all into layman's terms.

I'm no scientist or doctor, and don't pretend to have any special knowledge. I'm just a person who's fairly good with words and reading between the lines... The highlighted phrases below are direct quotes from the Alli website, with my translations in between.


Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.

Here the drug makers are trying to soothe the nerves of the skeptical fatty, by speaking their language. Pizza is something fatties understand, and a big part of the reason they’re interested in Alli to begin with. Pizza is good, pizza is reassuring… even when it’s flowing from your ass like molten lava.

The website mentions seeing the undigested fat in a toilet, but that’s clearly a best case scenario. You might also see it on the tops of your shoes, across the hood of a car, or way up the shower curtain, near the loops.

The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects.

Bowel changes. Notice how they phrase that? It means stuff will be happening the likes of which you could never have imagined. It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.

You may get:

gas with oily spotting

You’ll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers…

loose stools

and having violent chipped beef explosions...

more frequent stools that may be hard to control

all the time, with a sphincter that can no longer be counted as a friend.

Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. Limit fat intake in your meals to an average of 15 grams.

The McDonald’s Big Mac has 34 grams of fat, and the Burger King Whopper has 40. Eat either of these while taking Alli, and you’ll very likely be transformed into a diarrhea cannon.

Learning how to manage treatment effects is an important part of being successful with alli. Here's how to take control:

Start trimming fat from your diet now, even before you begin taking alli. Then pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect. Make the timing work for you. If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over

Blowing liquid feces down a row of bridesmaids, for instance, could be viewed negatively in certain circles. Further, an unexpected bout of the power-squirts while riding “The Bullet” at the county fair might not ingratiate you with your friends. Or anyone on the fairway. Or the folks in the parking lot walking to their cars.

While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings

You see, when you think about it, shitting yourself is actually a positive.

You can't "save fat grams" from lunch and "spend them" at dinner. Spread your daily fat gram allowance of 15 grams on average per meal over the whole day

Cheating can lead to embarrassment, tears, and the introduction of a frantically constructed toilet paper crack-wedge in the bathroom of an Applebee's. It’s simply not worth it.

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work

Until you get the hang of it, you should probably take along a rolling suitcase full of brown clothes everywhere you go, while taking Alli. Luckily, however, turd-colored clothing is in this season; turd is the new vomit.

If co-workers ask about it, there is no shame in telling the truth. You might be surprised how understanding folks can be if you simply say, “I dress like this to conceal the poop that's constantly soaking through the seat of my pants.”

You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

Showboating is not recommended.

You can use a food journal to recognize what foods can lead to treatment effects. For example, writing down what you eat may help you learn that marinara sauce is a better option than Alfredo sauce

In addition to a handcart full of extra pants designed to camouflage your anal leakage, it might also be a good idea to carry a schematic and information wheel, so you don't repeat past mistakes and have a treatment effect halfway up your back.

I hope this information has proven to be valuable.

The 11th commandment

NEVER under any circumstances, no matter how tempting the pictures look, should you eat any of the following: Hot Pockets, Chef Boyardee or anything with more than a teaspoon of curry. Your intestines will thank me later...

I was home alone the other day and wasn't very committed to making a big lunch, so I cracked open a can of Chef Boyardee remembering those days as a kid when that's all you would eat. I thought I was going to hurl at the first smell, but I still didn't have enough energy to make something else that would take too much effort, ya know like PB&J. So I forced myself to eat the greasy mess that sat in my lap.


There are few things in this life I regret as much as that decision. No mental image needed.

Need a laugh?

I never pass up a good opportunity to laugh, and this one is worth it. Read through these product descriptions.

http://www.biogenesis.us/products.htm

I have no idea who these guys are, but I'm wondering if the site is joke or what. At any rate, it's always good to know there are people who are more crazy than you think you are...

Don't ask this ninja... ANYTHING!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=5zvif6WWdSg


Or any of these guys: (The second to last guy is my favorite)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_NQCTbvRnM&NR=1


But you could probably get some cool answers from this ninja. Holy Toledo Balls... I'm dizzy just watching...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=D2kJZOfq7zk&feature=related

Sad, but true...

http://www.videogamesblogger.com/2008/01/22/
world-of-warcraft-hits-10-million-users-worldwide-
making-it-the-82nd-biggest-country-in-the-world.htm

That's right, if you took all the people who played World Of Warcraft and put them in a country (I know, I'm scared too...) they would be the 82nd largest country in the world. Larger than Hungary. It would be a sad little country and I'm assuming 99.134 percent of that population would be 16-35 year old males, all of whom are virgins and have not seen the sun, ever. When they become the 69th largest country, I'll be shopping for a bomb shelter. They aren't a very stable people them Warcrafters...

"You're impressed with yourself aren't you?" "Who wouldn't be?"

So my manager is in a bad mood today because I made a joke at her expense yesterday. She had to leave the room, because 3 of us were laughing too loud and we were, in her words, "driving me crazy!" Being the quick witted genius that I am, I interjected with, "How do you know that wasn't our goal?" She replied that it was working and slammed the door as she left. I took that to mean, "I don't appreciate good humor." Maybe that's not what it meant, but hey, it's my reality, I'll do with it as I please...

This morning I came in to find an email from one of my co-workers saying that my boss had yelled at her for not acting professional enough and turning a serious statement into a joke and how that was childish. Right, because joking is childish, but taking out your anger on someone who had nothing to do with this problem and not talking to the person that made you mad IS mature. Ok, I'll make sure to write that down.

I've always been the kind of person to poke and prod at people I enjoy being around. I'm a very sardonic guy and I have a somewhat darkly sarcastic sense of humor and I make fun of people I like. Just ask my wife. I'm just not sure why this one person has taken such an offense to me. She says she wants me to include her and communicate with her and when I do, she gets her grannie panties in a wad. I don't suffer fools here at work and when she makes a mistake I point it out and then she's upset with me and says I don't treat her with respect. So I don't say anything and then she's mad that I don't teach her. I just can't win. I feel like the freaking Miami Dolphins...

The dungeon...

Don't get me wrong. I really honestly enjoy parts of my job, and I do have to stress "parts". Working with the people here (most of them anyway) is a lot of fun. We laugh together, get angry at the same pinheads together, and just enjoy each other. However, the monotony is wearing on me. Dealing with my supervisor has pushed me to the edge and the fact that her supervisor has turned a blind eye to her potentially dangerous shortcomings makes me wonder whether it's worth staying another 7 months. Should I work for Denver, the department so corrupt I swore I wouldn't work there to get away from her? Or do I stick it out, go to school and chalk this up to a lesson in patience and pray I never deal with it again? I don't know the answer, but every day I lean more and more towards walking away... we'll see what happens.

Happy New Year!!!!

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm glad it's a new year. Spare a few good moments, the last one sucked pretty hard...

I'm looking forward to '08 and here's a quick list of my resolutions:
1. Baby-free in '08. No more children for a while. I want to have 4, but not anytime soon. Besides my wife would kill me. That's not a euphemism, she has threatened to kill me if she gets pregnant in the next 12 months. I can do that, I enjoy living...
2. Get back to my fightin' weight. I'm steadily losing weight and I want to keep it up. I need to be in great shape for the academy and I want to not have to worry about the physical part of it.
3. Run a mile every day. I used to do that, and since it's gotten cold, I've been slacking. Need to do that again.
4. Update blog more. See, I'm already doing good on that one...
5. Not break the law. Haven't had problems so far, but you never know. Besides, they say you have to have easy resolutions so you feel like you accomplish something. So let's add, no smoking, no gay sex, and no gender reassignments. Pretty simple, I should be able to accomplish those things...
6. Spend more time with the family. Yeah, yeah, we all say that, but I really do want to.

That's all I can think of for now, I'll be back for more later...