Thoughts about minimum wage workers

Is it just me or does it seem like minimum wage equals minimum brain function? Don't get me wrong, I had a minimum wage job. But I like to think that I didn't answer questions with such dumb retorts as the one I'm about to explain.

First of all, the wife, kiddles and I went to Colorado Mills to finish our Christmas shopping on Saturday along with 10,000 of our closest friends. Being a human being and needing food to sustain life, I decided that it was time for little snack-a-roo. The Mills has this place called The Great Steak and Potato Company, just trust me; they have earned every word of their title. In fact, it should be the "Fan-freaking-tastic-super-awesome-unbelievable-outrageously-amazing Steak and Potato Company. They told me they'd think about changing their name to that. Anyway, for some ungodly reason my wife didn't want a delicious steak sandwich with a side of enormous fries and cheese dipping sauce and asked for Burger King instead. Mistake number one: choosing Burger Fairy over Steak...

As the wife did some shopping, I help my son who was fascinated by all the noises and lights and constantly screaming, "DA!! DOH!!!". I have no clue what that means, but he was excited. I stood in the same place in line for almost 5 minutes. I was ready to jump ship and flaunt my wife's decision, however I decided that I like sleeping in my bed and that I should get her what she wants even though during that 5 minutes absolutely nothing looked good to me. I know, I'm a great husband...

After waiting in line for almost 10 minutes, I finally got the opportunity to order. I repeated my order twice and was charged correctly. Learned that by trying to order from someone who spoke no english. Always repeat what you ordered, always. So as I tried to fill my drink, I found that ice was not present. Like an idiot I stood there in desperate hope that maybe pressing the button several times would make ice magically appear to my dismay. I gave up my quest for coldness and waited ever so patiently for my order. I got my food and sat down with my family to enjoy our cheap, lukewarm meal. (I'm not bitter at all) As I bit into my burger I realized that it had no bacon or cheese despite the fact that the name of the burger has the words, "Bacon" and "Cheese" in it. I went back and waited for someone to pay attention long enough to bring my complaint. "This is supposed to be an Angus Bacon and Cheese and this is a regular Angus." The response I got?

"So do you want Bacon and Cheese on it?"

What's a good answer to such an inane question?
A: "No, I just wanted to point out that you got my order wrong and I'm happy about that."
B: "Actually, I just wanted Ketchup and Mayo instead. I really didn't want the Bacon and Cheese, just the condiments on the Angus Bacon and Cheese."
C: "I was thinking and what I really want is for you to drop, give me twenty pushups, and think through what you just asked me while you're kissing the ground. Let's go, count 'em out. One, up. Two, up. Get that butt down. Three, up..."
D: "Are you serious?"
E: Act like a pathetic wimp and say, "Yes, please".

As you probably guessed, I chose "E". Hopefully in cyberspace the moron who asked me if I really wanted Bacon and Cheese on my Angus Bacon and Cheese will read this and pass it on to all of his lackies...

THE CHRISTMAS PARTY!!!

Wow, was that fun. Two songs describe the party, "I ain't never had too much fun" and "The more I drink, the more I drink".

Further details not needed.

8 Minutes

While I ate new delicious Quizno's Lil' Sammie, I noticed that the parking meter in front of me had 8 minutes still on it and there was no one parked in front of it. At first I was perplexed, why would you waste that 10 cents? You really couldn't stay parked for another 8 minutes? Where's the fire?

Then I thought to myself, why don't I do some people-watching, my all-time favorite past time. So here's what I saw in 8 minutes:

First of all I had a weird flashback to the Quizno's sponge monkeys (pictured). I'm so happy that these little demon spawn no longer pollute the airwaves with their songs and weird bouncing antics. K, so back to what I witnessed watching humanity race by for 480 seconds...

A guy with a Santa Claus beard who parked in "the spot" for all of 30 seconds and then decided to leave.

1 Jeep with lots of accessories for mud-holin' and 4 wheeling, but no dirt or mud on it. I like to think that he just likes to clean it when he's done. I mean, it's a Jeep thing. I wouldn't understand, right?

Another person park in "the spot" and pick up 2 people who seemed very happy to see him who also left quickly thereafter. Not sure why they were so happy, I'm still working on a theory that involves some funny combination like a pogo stick and a monkey wearing pantyhose...

One lady who stopped talking with the man she was walking with to eye my Sammies (grrrrrr..... keep walking)

2 identical Land Rovers (same color even) driving side-by-side as the drivers stared at jaw-dropped-amazement at each other. I'm not a businessman, but maybe in some crazy scheme to make a profit they made more than 1 cream colored Land Rover? So I guess that means I also witnessed 1 near accident since they weren't looking where they were going.

1 young businessman trying to impress some prospective clients with his shiny new suit and shoes. He should have tailored the suit though cause the pants were too short and revealed that he was wearing one brown sock...

Yet another car park in "the spot". This time, the man driving parked and his wife pointed as something so he turned back into traffic and nearly hit a woman turning the corner. Make that 2 near accidents. She saluted him with one finger but he was too focused on pleasing his angry wife to notice...

1 lady giving a hobo a ride. How nice. I mean, he shouldn't have to walk to take his "Need Money For Food" change to buy a bottle of Jack Daniel's...

3 different people smoking. I guess with all the bans this will be a rarity soon. I with they would just get it over with and ban everything else that's fun but bad for you. No more red meat, grease, sugar, milk, alcohol (that "Prohibition" thing turned out great...), sex and Chinese finger traps. I hate smoking, don't get me wrong. I hate the smell; I hate that I smell when someone else decides to suck down a cancer stick, but I don't get my panties in a wad. Let em smoke! The only reasons provided for banning it are that it's unhealthy and annoying to people around them. Again, drinking and eating chili aren't healthy and annoying to the people around you. Cowboy up and git yer nose out of other people's lungs...

A guy in a black Lincoln park in "the spot", look around look at his watch, wait 5 seconds and then leave. Again, I'm looking on the bright side and hoping that he was just in a hurry and not a drug dealer. He looked like Sam Eagle from the Muppet's, he couldn't be a drug dealer...

Santa Claus Beard guy and Jeep guy drive by the window again. Hmmmm.....

TIME!!! During that little exercise I also witnessed approximately 58 "normal" people just going about their daily business, one of them carrying a concealed handgun (not doing a good job), 3 tripping on the same crack in the sidewalk, 15 on cell phones and/or iPod (one guy actually pulled one ear phone out and answered his phone. How can you do both at the same time?), and no one seeing what I saw...

Sometimes you just have to stop and watch the freaks. I mean, how else do we stay sane?

Too long for a comment

Maria, you are the furthest thing from alone. I feel EXACTLY the way you do. It's so frustrating to feel like you want to do something so bad but you can't, and you don't know what to do in the interim. I am so frustrated with my job right now and my boss, it makes me want to scream (which is what I usually do when I'm in my car alone). I think about being a cop all day, every day. I'm feel hopeful waking up knowing that I'm one day closer to the academy, but sick at the same time that it's not today. I wish you the best and hope that you find whatever it is that you're looking for. I'm still looking too...

I'm running out of material...

I'm sorry I can't update this everyday, but I'm afraid I'm not nearly as interesting as I make myself out to be. I'm pretty boring and all of my posts pretty much sum me up. Yup. Wow, that's a disappointing realization.

Back on a more positive note, my company's Christmas Party is almost here!! WOOHOO!! That means I get to go and eat reeeeeally nice food, have a few adult beverages (I do mean a few, I never want to be drunk. There's no way I'm gonna end up in a tub full of ice missing a kidney...), and hang out with good friends on someone else's dime. Plus, it's in San Francisco which is actually pretty nice and lots of fun.

We're going to be moving in with Jamie's sister and her husband on account of the fact that we can't pay our mortgage. Thanks a lot John Toole!! That's the ass-clown who put us in an ARM loan and didn't tell us that it would go up $500 in 2 years. I really hope that he meets an untimely and humiliating demise. Like, getting stuck in a dog door for 9 days. Or choking on a ball point pen. I mean, 11 people die a year from that alone. Can he be one of them?
(Side note: here's an interesting question my wife asked me last night. If you're more likely to die in an ATV accident, falling down your stairs, or of extreme cold than you are likely to die in a place crash; then why do so many musicians die in plane crashes? Aaliyah, Big Bopper, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Buddy Holly, Otis Redding, Randy Rhoads and Stevie Ray Vaughan to name a few...)

Anyway, we'll probably be moving in with them soon and be there anywhere from 6 months to a year. Hopefully I can attend the academy in the fall. Since I won't be able to work during the academy, I need to save as much money as possible. We like Janna and Joel, so hopefully it will be a good time living with them.

I dream about being a cop. It's almost all I think about anymore. Enough said.

I also want to get a motorcycle so that I can save on gas when I drive to school since it's in Aurora, which is a ways out there. Wife says, "Do you know how much insurance is?" End of story.

My kids are awesome, my wife is actually very supportive during all of this. I guess I have everything I need.

End of post.

P.S. I'll try to update more often.

NOW, end of post.

The Unknown Blogger is finally revealed...

I know that all 4 of my regular readers already know what I look like, but these are the first pictures of me on this blog. Drum roll please......

My parents paid for a professional photography session for our family for Christmas. Here's the results. Let me know what you think.

P.S. Make sure you know that I'm still trying to lose another 10 to 15 pounds when you look at me, AKA The Blob in these pictures...

Some people's kids

The more people I meet, the more I'm for forced sterilization. Don't get me wrong, I'm a strong conservative with some libertarian leanings, but certain people shouldn't be allowed to breed; or we need to hire a permanent lifeguard for the gene pool...

The other day I was trying to order a new beverage cooler for our office. The one we stock all our pop in wasn't working so I was trying to find a new one to order. I can't find one at a certain retailer, so I go into their online help IM chat thingy. The lady very politely asks what she can help me with. Thinking my request wasn't too extraordinary, I asked, "Do you guys carry beverage coolers?" The reply was so stunning, I don't think I typed a word for at least 3 minutes: "What do you mean by beverage cooler?"

WHAT THE CRAP DO YOU THINK I MEAN?!?! It's a flippin' compound phrase!! Really, what could I have possibly meant when I put two words like that together? "Oh, did I say beverage cooler? I meant that I needed 10 boxes of Kleenex." What part of putting together "beverage" and "cooler" was so freaking difficult that you had to ask me what I meant? After my rage subsided, I wrote, "A cooler that keeps beverages cold. You know, like a fridge for drinks?" The fact that I'm typing my reply again is making my blood pressure rise...

Then yesterday my boss wanted "us" to move some tables. I'm smart enough to know that "us" is manager-talk for "you". So I had resided to the fact that I was going to be moving tables. However, I didn't think that she would actually follow me and do nothing more than hold the door open. I'm not launching a rocket here, I'm moving furniture. I've seen monkeys do it, I think I can handle it. But then came the kicker. I thought she was going to be helpful by carrying a white board upstairs as I wrestled 100 lbs of tables on a dolly. Hey, it was more helpful than she had been up until this point. I think to myself, "Maybe it's a good thing she's here." Boy did I speak too soon. We came back downstairs to get another load of tables, and she watched me get them onto the dolly and as I got to the elevator I noticed that the only thing she brought was the eraser, markers, and 1 sheet of loose paper. I almost screamed, literally. You wasted an entire trip to bring up 3 markers, a drawing and a piece of foam?!?!

Ok, my blood pressure is so high, I think it's turning into a solid. I need to go calm down. Maybe I'll go talk to a bum...

Things that hobos have yelled at me:

"Whatcha looking at?!" "Nothing..." "YOU PLOTTIN' ON ME?!?!" This one is probably my favorite...

"Spare some change?" "No, sorry." "That wasn't a question!" Sorry, it sure sounded like one...

"You gonna eat that?" "Yeah." "How come?" Cause as a human, we need food to sustain life. Not sure what he was getting at...

"Jesus loves you man!" "Uhhh... thanks." "You better stop doing drugs or you're going to hell!" That was the same hobo, same conversation. I'm still confused about that one...

"You got change for a dollar?" "No, sorry." "I SAID, 'DO YOU GOT CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR?!'" "NO!" I'm now walking faster and he's still slurring, "I GOTTA GET CHANGE! Arrr burrr forger my wufffun..... ALAMO!!!!" At this point, I'm at a dead sprint back to my office trying to hold onto my sandwich with my wife on the other end of the phone saying, "What is that?" "SOME GUY WANTS CHANGE AND I DON'T HAVE IT!!!"

"GOD IS GONNA JUDGE YOU!!!" Hate to be a spoiler, but I've got the "Get Out Of Hell Free" card.

It's been a while since I've encountered any hobos, but it always makes me laugh when I do get the opportunity...

How about this?

Since the only thing that let's me know that anyone reads my ramblings is comments, I'm trying to write in a way that will get people to comment. Hmmm... ponder, ponder, ponder...



I have to say that I'm enjoying my job more these days, because of a conscious choice, not necessarily because I just like it more. My wife has helped me understand that all jobs have downsides and you just have to choose to be happy. She's so smart. I wish I had thought of that along time ago. Yes, I still get frustrated when someone emails me to bring them a stapler because they need it for this project when it's on their desk. However, I've come to enjoy these little things that make me laugh at how funny people are. I like being a help to people, being the go-to guy. Probably because it strokes my ego, but I don't mind when I'm not thanked either.

Another thing I've come to understand over the years is that you shouldn't work to be thanked. So when someone asks me a stupid question and then gets mad when I point out the answer and refuses to thank me, I don't mind. Like when I told my supervisor to check my spelling of coerced (I spelled it right) by hitting "F7" to use Spell check. I went over to her computer cause she kept shouting, "NOTHING!" only find out that she was typing f7 rather than hitting the "F7" key. Rather than thank me, she got mad and also got mad that "computers are so difficult to use."

I get it, when you're old enough to have been born on Pangaea, computers can be a pain to use. "Laugh it off" I have to keep telling myself. Someday I'll get to fulfill my dream of being a cop, for now, I'm just enjoying the ride...

BOOOOOO Rockies!!!!

Stupid Rockies...

They finally get to the World Series, and what do they go and do? Make it IMPOSSIBLE for the average fan, i.e. me, to get tickets unless you're willing to spend you AND your spouse's entire 401k savings to get a pair of tickets. The only way you can get them is to purchase them online. Brilliant idea. Because you know, if you believe hard enough, your servers won't crash. Oh, and because scalpers aren't smart enough to buy more tickets than they should. Way to go guys, your first trip to the Big Show and you've already pissed off your fan base. Not a great way to start the series...

One guy I heard about bought 4 of the cheapest seats in the stadium at $65 a pop and started the bidding at $850. But then this guy gets the idea that the price is "too low" so he changed the starting bid to $1200. I hope there is a special place in hell for people like that, preferably their own ring of hell right next to Hitler and whoever came up with the show "Laguna Beach".

I have watched the Rockies since I was a little kid, I went to their first game and have probably been to 12 or 15 games. I would go to more, but my first love is hockey. Now, I'm afraid I'll have to give my full devotion to hockey. There are worse things, but I was really hoping that somehow, an average Joe could watch his team's first World Series. Those dreams are now shattered along with my dream to be 6 foot and get paid for my opinion. Well, back to work...

HOLY CRAP!!!

So, I don't know how to link you guys to my friend's blogs, but apparently there is a way to. I will spend my lunch in such research... Anywho, since all my friends have stories about how they have run ins with animals that don't belong in the house, I thought I'd share my recent experience with an unwelcome critter.

I know that when you think of raccoons, you probably think of the cute little ones that smile and hold food like people and whatnot. Just like in the 2nd picture, which is a gross misrepresentation of what raccoons are really like. What they don't want you to know is that they are the most vile and obnoxious creatures on this thing called earth. Much like the snarling one in the 1st picture. This correctly identifies the 3 raccoons in the following story. Rabid, horrid, evil spawn of hell...

I was home alone the other night as my wife was doing errands with the kids and I heard the familiar rustling of plastic bags. I thought my wife was back and coming upstairs. Hmmm... sure is taking her a while, and I don't hear Kailey screaming her head off like she does every time when enter a motor vehicle. Better go check. I open my door to find 3, yes 3 raccoons, at least 15 pounds each, digging in the trash bag I set on the porch 5 minutes ago while I did the dishes. I of course know that raccoons carry disease, so I try to scare them off. I do my best "big dog" bark, cause my real 10 pound dog barking didn't even bother the little buggers. That scared them down about 2 of the 20 stairs to my front door. They looked back up and me, realizing I'm not a big dog and walked back up in defiance to finish eating the booger filled Kleenex's and soiled diapers I had just filled the bag with. (No, they weren't MY diapers you fool. Oh, never mind.) So I start yelling at them to shoo. All three just kept on feasting. I finally got up the courage to open the door. That spooked them back down 1 stair. I wasn't drunk or crazy enough to chase them the rest of the way down and knowing that I couldn't shoot them, I decided to improvise. I grabbed my dog's leash (which immediately made Lucy think it was potty time. Dork...) and starting swinging it in the raccoon's general direction. 2 of them ran about half way down the stairs, while 1 just kept staring at me. "Maybe he was deaf and blind!! You're mean!!" No, it looked at me the way you would expect the grim reaper to look into your eyes as he steals your soul...

I got a little closer and slapped the leash on the ground right next to him. He ran down the stairs to meet up with the others where I assume they were plotting my demise cause the 1 came up up the stairs growling at me, which is a pretty frightening noise. I kept smacking the leash towards it in hopes that I didn't accidentally hit it and send it into a fit of blinding and violent rage. For whatever reason, the lord of the 3 called the assault off, because they ran off after 3 minutes or so of me wildly swinging a dog leash and yelling "YAAA!!" while trying not to act scared. My wife couldn't believe my courageous act of keeping our home safe when she got home. Actually, she didn't believe that there were raccoons in our neighborhood until the next night when I showed her 1 that was up in the tree across from our house with it's haunting, glowing eyes.

So, that's probably the craziest thing that's happened to me in the last few weeks. The next time something utterly crazy happens to me instead of my brother, I'll let you know. (I'll have a blog soon about a couple of his funniest encounters...)

Until next time, "Stay safe out there, the raccoons are watching..."

That is the exact opposite of what I wanted...

I was hoping that my "Cool People Don't:" post would spark a huge (I mean like 3 or 4 comments) conversation about things cool people don't do. That didn't turn out so great, so I'm gonna continue to blog like I normally would, maybe with some new features.

Things have been kinda crazy here at work, my supervisor is less than personable (most people use the term abrasive) which makes for an uncomfortable environment. I just try to stay out of her way, do my job better than anyone else could hope to, and help my team. No, I'm not their supervisor, but I still think of them as my team. Which is why I bought breakfast burritos for part of the team today and will probably buy lunch for the other part when my wallet isn't on a diet.

The breakfast burrito? Heavenly, so good that I'm convinced that no mortal could have designed such a delicious treat. No my friends, an angel crafted my burrito and he called that burrito, "good". Yes, it was THAT good. Which is why I'm gonna give you the link to Biker Jim's Dogs.

http://www.bikerjimsdogs.com/

He's the nicest guy this side of Tokyo and grills the best gol-dern hot dogs on the face of this wretched earth. If you look through his website, you'll see that he offers onions and cream cheese. Just do it; I promise you'll thank me later...

Pray for me, as I'm going through a very difficult time in my life. I have a lot of life changing decisions to make and a lot of life changing things happening without my permission. Just pray that I will have direction, wisdom and courage. Thanks y'all and remember...


"Don't take life so seriously. Nobody makes it out alive anyway."

"What's new?" you ask?

A lot. Too much. Here's synopsis:
Played softball last week. Lost the game and my temper, and almost got thrown out. Our outfielder fell and hit his head against the fence so hard, I thought he broke his neck. He's alright though, just reeeeeally sore. No softball yesterday cause it was colder than a well-digger's butt. Rockies won, WOOHOO!! Our new church preached on sex. AMEN!!! Got a new thermostat for my house so it's warmer inside than it is outside. My wife says, "THANK GOD!". I'm gonna wait a while before I apply for a position as a cop. Booo... Have to move or lose our house. Booo... Work has all kinds of stress; nothing new there. My daughter is starting to make all kinds of noises, so now when she cries, I sit and talk to her. That makes her smile, which makes me smile. Alright, when I can come back some more sardonic humor based on life experiences, I will. So stay tuned...

Go Rockies!!!

That is all for now...

No really...

Seriously, my last post asked for other people to chime in and no one has said a bloody word. This is not a practice people! I need your thoughts!

Maybe I really am all alone... hmmmm... that's depressing. I think I'm gonna go cry now...

Cool people don't:

(My guitar hero, Brad Paisley. Verrrry cool...)
Ok, I stole this from a local radio show, but I think it's a good point to build on. Since I'm not even in the universe as "cool", I always feel left out when I see a genuinely cool person. Then I see all these people doing idiotic things they think are cool, and it makes me feel better. So here's my very short list of things cool people DON'T do.

Cool people don't:

Spend $40,000 on a convertible and ride with the top down, and the windows up.

On the same note, they don't put accessories on their car that cost as much as the car. Specifically, all you idiots who put spoilers on your 1994 Dodge Neon. Don't race me either; I don't have the fastest car ever, but Josh Blue could outrun your car. Google Josh Blue if you don't know who he is.

Wear $3 flip flops from Old Navy and carry fake Gucci bags. You're wearing jeans from the Target clearance rack and you want me to believe you're carrying a $2,000 Chanel and Company handbag? I didn't fall off the turnip truck... I was pushed...

Wear clothes from the opposite sex. This pretty much applies to guys, specifically of the Emo persuasion. I get it, you can stuff your junk into girl's pants. I'm supposed to be impressed by that? I must have missed how wearing pants that used to be called "Capri's" are now cool for guys to wear.

Scream, "Don't tase me bro!"

Have long hair when they're balding. Seriously, just shave it. I'd rather look at a misshapen head than a comb over. The worst is the bald on top and long hair in the back, which I think looks like an egg wearing a hula skirt.

Whistle annoying songs that get stuck in other people's heads.

Feel free to add your own. Really, I want to continue this, but I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest...

The end of an era...

Yes, this former germ-a-phobe has come to the realization that life does continue even after you're subjected to germs...

T.V.'s Monk had nothing on me. I wasn't an O.C.D. case, but I was as close as you could get. However, after all the stuff you go through after 2 kids, there's not really any room to fear cooties and whatnot.

These things just happen. Fate has a twisted sense of humor...

No matter how careful you are, you're going to stick your hand in a dirty diaper. Unless you change diapers with latex gloves, expect to scrub under your fingernails for 30 minutes and still feel filthy.

If you have a boy, they will pee on you when you change their diaper. Hate to tell you, but no human being on this planet is quick enough to change a #2 diaper on a boy and not get peed on at least one time. If there is such a person, please make yourself known. (Cricket noises) Yeah, that's what I thought...

As Jeff Foxworthy said, "Babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt." Don't hold a baby if you want your clothes to stay clean. Just don't do it. It's Newton's 4th law. If there were 11 commandments, this would be #2, and I would bump another one of the less important ones down...

One of the things I've learned is that the baby vomit smell is harder to get out of clothes than skunk stank. You can't bleach something enough to get that smell out. Last night, after my softball game, I was holding my son (who's sick right now) and he was acting like he was feeling better. Happy, but not energetic, not bouncing or anything, just content.
Then like the stealth vomiter he is, he blew like freaking Mount Vesuvius what looked like a half gallon of old milk, mixed with rotten yogurt. It went everywhere, and I'm not exaggerating. My brother was sitting in front of me and it practically covered his back and one of his legs. My shorts were dripping and there was a puddle in my shoes as well as my brother's shoe. My brother almost had an aneurysm. I thought he was gonna break down in tears he was so grossed out. My poor son is crying because he thinks he's in trouble and somehow I stayed calm until we got home and I changed; after sitting and walking around in it for 45 minutes.

Parenting changes so many things about you. Most people would say that it changes your outlook on life or the way you think about things. For me, it opened up my eyes to the fact that babies take all your boundaries and shatter them like a mirror hit with a 2 ton bomb... I think that's what I needed though.

HOCKEY!!!

So long story short, I ended up winning some killer Av's tickets the other night and the game was a blast. All 4 of us, plus my brother went to the game. There were 3 fights right in front of us, 9 goals in the game, Av's won. Soooooo amaz-za-zing...
My brother is planning on trying out for them next year. He's going to play for the best high school team in the state, Arvada High, and then when he graduates this next year, he'll try out for the Av's so he won't ruin his eligibility. Yes, I used to play, but then I got two teeth knocked. Funny how looking like a hockey player made me NOT want to become one...

My brother already has a 85 mph slap shot (I believe the fastest recorded slap shot ever is 108) and he's hoping to get his even faster. He told he wants to get to 100 because scientific studies show that the human eye can't track objects coming at them at 100mph or faster. So in his mind, a goalie won't stand a chance. What he doesn't remember is that a year ago, he hit a slap shot that the goalie caught and it broke his hand. Or that 3 years ago he hit a slap shot so hard that after sailing the air for 20 feet, it hit a kids stick and broke it in half. Or that a few weeks ago he broke another kid's shin guard with his shot. I'd say his shot is plenty fast, but I can't knock him for wanting to get it even faster. I feel sorry for the guy he's practicing against. Story says that Bobby Hull's shot was faster, so fast that he dislocated a goalie's shoulder. That's my brother new goal. A little morbid, but a good goal, I guess...

Tired...

This is a picture of my son, but I'm as tired as he looks...

Top 5 things to NOT do at work

1. Puke. Do I really need to explain this one? Someone here threw up in our office today. If you're that sick, go home.

2. Qualify anything coming out of your mouth with, "This may sound dumb..." Too late. You've already set my expectations high, so this better be stupid...

3. Mess anything up. They'll hold it over your head for the rest of your days there, if not your life.
Forget to color coordinate the post it notes? How dare you!
Open a piece of mail that should normally be opened? And I didn't tell you that I wanted it to remain unopened? You pathetic little creature!
Mispronounce a name or forget a person's name? MAY YOU BURN IN THE 7TH RING OF HELL!!!!

4. Tell a secret. Remember Ben Franklin's mantra about secrets, "3 can keep a secret if 2 are dead." If you're upset with someone at your work, and aren't brave enough to confront them, don't tell anyone else that you're angry. It'll get back to that person and then you'll be in an even more uncomfortable position. Oh, and never tell anyone else that you're looking for another job. I don't care how good of friends you are with this person, they'll find someone to tell. In fact, if you tell anyone in your office you want to leave, you've given them permission to shout it from the rooftops. They'll be like a mosquito at a nudist colony; they won't know where to start...

5. Do anything if you don't know how to. This is guaranteed trouble. If you start messing with something and don't know how to do it, you might as well just pour lighter fluid on it, strike a match, and walk away. Think of it this way; every extra second you spend trying to get the object to do what you want when you have no idea how, you're adding 10 minutes of time it takes me to fix whatever the hell you did, PLUS you're subtracting years off of MY life because you've caused me stress and forced me to build an unnatural hatred at the mere mention of your name. I have been on both sides of this, so I guess I should be a little nicer, but this is a huge pet peeve of mine.

Elevator Etiquette

What is it with people and not following the rules when it comes to elevators? There aren't that many and they are not hard to follow either. Here, since y'all don't have a clue as to what I'm talking about, here's my own personal 10 commandments:

1. Do NOT under ANY circumstances stick any body part into a closing elevator door. What the crap are you thinking? First of all, it's bloody annoying. We're upset that you were in such a hurry that you felt the need to let out a karate yell and stick an appendage in the elevator doors to go up the elevator 27 seconds faster than if you waited for the next one. Plus you get to feel our icy stares the entire way up. For the love of meat, just wait for the next one...
Secondly, YOU COULD DIE!!! What if those doors slammed on your arm and the elevator continued to go up? "It's supposed to stop for me" you might say. People aren't supposed to hit and run, drink and drive, and they should always pay attention to where they're going to, but I don't see you sticking your foot in front of a speeding car. You may think I'm being paranoid, but here's proof:
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/elevator.asp
Be safe and be patient. Wait for the next freaking elevator...
2. Don't push a level/floor button that's already been pushed. How dare you think that your button pushing skills are better than mine! If you really have to push a button, push the close door button. It doesn't do anything (just like crosswalk buttons), but it's better than insinuating that my button pushing is inferior.
3. I know you saw me walking behind you. You even walked faster in order to beat me to the elevator. Then you gave me that stupid look as the door closed in my face as if to say, "Oh, I didn't see you!" and proceeded to pretend like you tried to hold the door for me. Rule #3 is to always be kind to the people behind you and hold the door for them. The elevator gods are always watching and they will send you bad ju ju. Elevator ju ju is the worst kind... refer to the link in rule #1. Bet she never held the door for anyone either...
4. No asking stupid questions or trying to start conversation cause you're socially awkward and learned a new "how to talk to people" technique on Oprah. We don't have to talk in here. I'm perfectly content thinking about my broken washing machine, my overdrawn checking account, the fact that my socks don't match, and that I forgot my lunch and have no cash. Here's a couple tips: Don't EVER start a sentence with "so", "ummm", "wow", or any other vague adverb that only requires a one word answer. "So, you work here?" No, I'm actually inventing a new sport, "Extreme Elevator Riding"...
"Wow, great weather huh?" Sure is, why don't you go enjoy it so I can ride the elevator in peace? Speaking of "huh", don't end a question in "huh?" either. It makes you sound stupid and it forces me to answer in a stupid way like, "Yup" or "Uh-huh". Just stay away from yes and no questions as a general rule. If you HAVE to awaken me from half-sleepy stupor on the ride up, at least have the decency to ask me a somewhat intelligent question that will make me want to stay and talk with you.
5. Touch me and I swear to the elevator gods I will bite you; and no I haven't had my shots. That's just if you're a girl. If you're a dude, I'll give you a purple nurple until your knees lock and you pass out.
6. Yes, I smell that too. No it wasn't me and since there's only two of us, that makes one of us a liar. Pretending like you're just getting your first whiff doesn't make me think you're innocent. It makes me think you're a crappy liar. Your wife and even your mistress may fall for it, but your dog and I know the truth. Thanks so much for making me smell your $1.13 breakfast burrito. Please go crawl in a hole and poison yourself instead of me...
7. Don't touch me. I have space issues. I don't mind riding in an elevator with lots of people, I just don't want them all touching me. Germ-aphobe? You better believe it! Today you'll shake hands with 10 people who went the bathroom and didn't wash their hands. Americans as a whole received a "D" in hand washing. I hope you see my point...
8.If your floor is one of the first ones we go to, stand in the front, stupid. Don't push your way through. Push me, and I'll push you back, but I'll make sure you fall on your face, scuff your $400 shoes, wrinkle your $1800 Banana Republic shirt-pant combo, spill your $8 coffee and accidentally goose the cute girl in front of you so that she slaps you unconscious.
9. Don't ask about my lunch. It's personal. It's my lunch, I don't want to tell you where I got it or how much I paid for it and I really don't want to hear about what you got and how good of a deal it was. Don't comment on how good my lunch smells either. That's just plain weird.
10. Stare at me and you'll suffer the same fate as people who touch me. Have I mentioned how much I hate being touched?


"The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures."

Oh boy!!! Sports is fun...

Last night was a great night for my ego. I play softball, not very well, but good enough that they keep asking me to play. However, the last few weeks, I've been playing really well. I normally pitch, but I got moved to shortstop (or 2nd when needed) and I really like shortstop. I've been making good plays and hitting pretty well, but last night, I was on fire.

It started out with a routine out to first base and then a leaping catch for the 2nd out of the first inning. I'm not sure how I caught the ball considering that normally you can barely get a dollar bill under my feet when I jump, but I got it. The rest of the game just went my way and if the ball was anywhere near me, I seemed to get it and turn out great plays. I hit pretty well, but then came the last inning. There was either 2 runners on base or 3. We'll just say 3 so that it sounds better...

It's what every kid dreams of... batting in the 5th inning of a "D" competitive league softball game, bases loaded, full count. The 17 fans watching are either finishing their overpriced pretzel or picking their nose and you're at bat. It's your job to make their wildest dreams come true, or at least wake them up on the bleachers. Well, the pitch was perfect and I swung. It went into the center-field gap and I ran as fast as my chicken legs would carry me. Basically I look like a potato on two toothpicks, so that must have been the cheering/laughing I heard in the stands. I ran hard and got all the way to 3rd before the outfielder got the ball to the shortstop. I stopped at third and the third base coach told me to go, so I ran for home. It's a race... it's a race.... I'm winning!! I beat the throw to home without even sliding. Time had expired and we won the game. WOOHOO!! Very exciting... I may have given the geezer in the last row a heart attack. Yeah right, kidding. I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack after running like that though...

It would have been a lot more exciting if it was a playoff game or a championship game, but considering it was our first win of the season after 2 straight losses, not too dramatic, but still awesome. I hurt myself in the game right after that and now I'm nursing my back/butt back to health. So maybe next week, you will hear more tales of my amazing feats of strength...

"Dreams are like rainbows; only idiots chase them."

This is why I'm hot... yeah, scratch that...

On Labor Day I went golfing with my dad and since he didn't set a tee time, we didn't actually golf. We did go to the driving range and worked on my swing a little bit. I can hit my 3 wood about 200-215 yards; not bad for a slightly overweight, blubbery mook like myself. If I really smack my hybrid 7 wood well, I can hit that about 200 yards too. But my dad accidentally grabbed my little brother's clubs which had a driver that my dad gave to him. I couldn't use mine, cause my driver is broken. Someone borrowed it and used it as a cane to bend over and snapped the head off... Now to find said person and do the same thing to their head...

The driver my dad gave to my little brother is weird because it was made for an old fogey. You can't really swing fast or you'll slice the crap out of it cause it's light and very flexible. So when you actually swing it like a 86 year old retiree on vacation in Palm Springs, I could only hit it 200 yards. *Wah wah*

I did sink some really nice putts though on the practice green, one from about 20 feet and two from about 30 feet. My dad still beat me 6-4 in a putting contest; crazy old man...

Now I just need to figure out how to make my overall game consistent and then... Tiger better watch out...

It's a small world... til you walk home that is...

It's official. I can't even work with anonymity. There's a temp who works with me who knows my parents. There is nowhere to hide... I think trying to start over as long as I live in Colorado is a lost cause. I've always wanted to move to Tennessee, but I think that was because I wanted to be a musician. Now the question is, how do I raise a family on a cop's salary? Do I go and do studio musician work? Become a studio tech and work part time? Move to someplace where the standard of living is less? Pray and hope that God reaches out to help me? It's frightening to be in this mind, let me tell you... that's why I try to keep a "no vacancy" sign up. I have too much to worry about as it is. Hmmmm... much thinking to do over the next few weeks...


"Not all pain is gain."

Perfect! Now put the rest of those on the front...

I can't seem to find my motivation anywhere, so please let me know if you find it. It's probably hiding with my sanity. Now if only these 15 pounds would go missing...

Another average day with needy people who aren't interesting, but always seem to do interesting things. Like come up with new and interesting ways to break things. Light a fire in a toaster oven, put a fork in the microwave, screwdriver in the sink, hand soap in the dishwasher, staples in the gears of the copy machine; it's unreal to say the least. Which brings me to the some of the best advice I've ever gotten:

"Don't underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"The only way to make something fool-proof is keep it away from fools."
And the one that seems to be most appropriate for me:
"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. "
I guess the only things I would add to that list would be erasers, post it notes and Kleenex...

Does it hurt to be that dumb?

That's the question I ask myself every single time I hear someone say something stupid. I know that I'm not the smartest man ever, but seriously, does anyone think anymore before they open their pie-holes?

Example: Last night I was watching the news and this horribly sad story comes on about an idiot 15 year old who's driving way too fast in a residential neighborhood and hits 2 little girls. 1 died at the scene and the other is still in the hospital. That kinda stuff really gets to me now that I have kids, it really hits home thinking that stuff can happen to anyone. Anyway, so they interview a witness and ask him about what he saw. The clip ends with him talking about how the city needs to put up more signs so people know that kids are playing there. I swear, I thought I was gonna leap through the screen and strangle him...


First of all, a good parent doesn't let their children play in the street, especially unsupervised. Look, I played in the street when I was a kid. Yes, people should be more careful. It's not the child's fault that the 15 year old hit her, but a good parent will make sure that there's an adult watching if they can't. Again, it's not the parent's fault that this kid wasn't obeying the law and they suffered a terrible price. That should help people to realize that this isn't the old days, people aren't respectful anymore and that they should be more attentive and more aware of their surroundings. You don't go walking in dark alleys, talk to strangers on the internet, and give personal information to people on the phone, do you? You especially don't let your kids do that, do you? 40 years ago, you could trust that most people respected the law and that only a few people would be so despicable. Times have changed. You don't need to live in constant fear, but you do need to be more careful. Watch your kids for heaven's sake.

Secondly, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT A SIGN WILL STOP SOMEONE FROM BREAKING THE LAW?!?!?! Wait, what am I thinking? Of course signs keep people from breaking the law! That's why people obey the speed limit, don't drink and drive, and they always wear their seat belts. Someone elect that man for president! Ok, enough sarcasm. Honestly though, if that were true we could put signs up that say "Don't kill people" and all violence would stop. Let's go back to reality...
I understand that this guy is upset and is just looking for someone to blame, but the blame doesn't rest on the city putting up a sign that says, "Children Playing". There's already a sign saying that you can't drive more than 25 MPH (if not 15), why would he respect one more than the other? This is another fool who thinks that it's the government's fault. Yes, government is typically the problem, and hardly ever the solution, I wholeheartedly agree; but this falls back on personal responsibility. People just don't respect one another anymore. Let me know I'm not alone here...


Ok, I feel better now that I've vented.


"Attitudes are contagious; mine might kill you..."

Sleepy...

I've given up on sleep. Who needs it? Not me, I'm invincible... I'm... super... human.... I'm.... zzzzzz...

I use to get by on like 4 hours of sleep a night when I was 15, 16 years old, but I can't do that anymore. I can even do that every now and again, but nothing like I usetacould. You know, use-ta-could? "Can you dance?" "I usetacould, and if you play somethun good, I mightagain..."


In losing so much sleep, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I don't know what about, but I'm definitely thinking about something. I guess most of it is about life, what "it" all means, whether Jell-o is a liquid or a solid, normal stuff. The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe I'm doing it all wrong. Maybe I got married too quick, had kids too quick, didn't stay in school... ok, enough mistakes, I'm getting depressed, but I know I'm not the only one with those feelings. It just feels that way. Growing up the way I did caused me to become very jaded and VERY guarded. I don't trust people and I often end up feeling alone. My wife is great at listening to me, but sometimes I want someone else to gripe to. Selfish, I know...

I used to be a very open and honest person but growing up in a leadership role in so many aspects of my life, I would have those things used against me and I eventually grew cold and distant. I understand it's good to not share anything and everything about yourself to every person who looks at you (I know several people like that and they drive me insane), but sometimes I just want a friend who I can just blab to, without thinking about whether or not this person could hurt me with that info, or shove it in my face. I hear there are people out there like that, but I'm not so sure...


Maybe some day I'll be comfortable enough to share my true feelings with someone and not worry so much about what they might say to other people. I hope when I become a cop, my partner and I have that type of relationship. Only time will tell... that is, when time learns to talk.

Remember
"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers..."

No more brain pain...

Well, I finally get back on a normal shift here at work starting Monday. (Funny side note: My last manager sent out an email, a while back, with the words "early shift" in it, but he forgot the "f". Now I think about it everytime I write "shift".) Anyway, I've been working 10 hour days for the last month and I've had it up to here with that. Considering you can't see where "here" is, just know that I'm done with those shifts, or shits. Take your pick.

I can finally go home early, you know, like before the sun goes down? So I've been back at this job I worked at, for a little over a year the first time, for about 6 months now. I thought I had seniority, but they don't count the time I was here, which sucks, because I knew the job better than the guy who took my place. So I got stuck with the crappy shit. Pun intended.

Now that everyone here has left or gotten canned, I have seniority again! YEEHAW!! I almost didn't gt my choice of shifts cause the TEMPS (you know, people desperate to work?) we hired didn't want to work the late shift. "Maybe we should just find someone who can?" Worked like a charm...

Anyway, so now me and my humor will be at 100%. I look forward to making you pee your pants laughing. You know who you are...

Do I have to?

Is there a way to make money without working and without selling my beautiful body? Didn't think so...

I thought yesterday was the hardest I've ever had to work to motivate myself to go to work. Then today happened... My daughter is so cute, but when she doesn't sleep at night, she's not quite as cute. Nothing is cute when you've slept for 2 hours, wake up to a crying baby at 3 am (Kinda like the Matchbox 20 song, but not nearly as touching, and sweet...), stub your toe to pick her up, step on the dog, burp her (baby, not the dog), get thrown up on (by both baby and the dog), and finally lay her down, only to have her cry again... every hour, on the hour, til you "wake up" to go to work and deal with people who whine even more than your one month old does.

Here's the best part though:

You go to work, and after your third Mountain Dew by 10 am and enough caffeine to wake a corpse, people look at the black circles under your bloodshot eyes and go, "Gee, are you tired?"

No, this is the latest fashion craze. The new trend is to look like a junkie without all the liver damage, it's all the rage in Japan...

Ask me a stupid question, get a smart ass answer...

That took a lot of energy, I'll write again when my brain doesn't hurt so bad... oh my hell, the pain...

Another day, another 29 cents...

I have to say that I know it seems like I'm this angry, bitter person who does nothing but post his gripes, but I hope you that I'm not. I have lots of things I enjoy, especially humor. I try to keep a positive view on things, but I love sarcastic, cutting humor. So just know that I am a happy person with a dark and somewhat twisted sense of humor...

Speaking of things I enjoy, I love music. I love nothing more than driving down the road, blaring my favorite bands, and just rocking out, even when people give you those weird looks. As I've said before, I am a musician and I always laugh at people when I can hear their music in their car and watch them "play" along with it, not keeping time even close to correct or singing so off key you plug your dog's ears. Then I think, wait a minute... I do that to, but I know what I'm doing. Do other people think I'm as stupid as I think that guy is?

Hmmm... these are things that keep me awake at night. Along with how I'm gonna fulfill my lifelong dream of creating a monkey band. Little monkey drummer, little monkey guitarist, little monkey keyboard player... COME ON! Is that brilliant or what?!?!

See my lifelong dream for the better part of my life was to be a professional musician, or even a superstar in the country world; but I guess I've realized that's just not what I want to do forever. I used to do music for my old churches, for about 6 years or so, and I loved it. I loved being part of band, practicing, jamming, and of course I loved the popularity that came with it. I'm not gonna lie and say that I didn't like it, but it certainly wasn't all fun and games. It came with a lot of responsibilities and pressures which made it not so fun. It made it work.

I had always wanted to be a recording artist and tour professionally. I even had a producer who wanted to record with me. We did all the work, planned for everything from the CD's name and theme, to artwork and song choices. Then he moved (for good reasons I will say), but I've never felt so lost in my whole life. I felt as though I was finally gonna do what I enjoyed and it got ripped out from under me. Then I began to think, why did I want it? I thought I had all the right answers, the pious one (I want to make music that makes people feel good) the good one (It's what I love) and then I came to the real one, or as I call it, the self-centered one (I want to be famous. I want people to know my name. I want to be called "The best thing ever", I want, I want, I want...).

When I realized that I loved doing it for all the wrong reasons, I gave it up. Six months later, I left my church and my duties as music director and I even left a $2500 guitar they bought me and the $500 worth of accessories that went with it. So, was it the right choice?

I've never been happier. I have more time with my family, more time at home, and more time to pursue my personal goals, both personally and professionally. Now I'm gonna chase me real dream of serving people as a police officer. I've served people all my life and I love helping people. So, is it worth it to chase your dreams?

Damn right it is...


Until next time...

Anti-Job Description

Apparently some people don't understand what I do for a living. So I guess a list is needed of things I am not and things I do not do.

I am NOT a doormat: Don't think that because I make less than half your salary, didn't graduate from a nice college, am dumber, and uglier than you means that you can treat me like dirt. Don't walk on me to get what you want.
I have feelings too. I feel hot, I feel cold.
I also have a sensitive side, it's the one with the rash.
I'm not emotional or needy, but I don't like going home feeling like everyone's wiped their crappy day on me.

I am NOT a scapegoat: Don't blame me for things that you didn't do. If you want my help, just ask. I'm not above doing menial tasks. My job description includes "duties as assinged", however it does not include, "holder of blame" or "everyone's whipping child". Trust me, I've looked to be sure. Twice...

I will NOT do things that are YOUR job: You get paid a hell of a lot more than me to do half the work I do. Do your damn job and quit dumping things on me cause you want to re-organize your pens, check your email every 2 minutes, and "research" on the internet when I know you're on the 5th level of "World Video Poker". You went to school, you got the job, you get the money. You want to treat me like ca-ca because of those things, but then turn around and not do the work? You can't have it both ways. In fact, you can't have it either way. Do things my way, and we'll both be happier.

I will NOT cater to your every wish, whim and desire: You want a new mouse, new chair, new keyboard, new computer, bigger monitor, foot rest, coasters, the pens you had at your old work, and an air freshner that smells like the island you vacationed on. I want to be a foot taller, own an island and I especially don't want to work with you. Looks like neither of us is gonna getting what we want. I'll put up with you, and you can feel free to dig through that closet and have whatever you find, even if it's not broken! See how nice I am? Remember it...

I am NOT a "sounding board" for you to "vent" to: That's bull. You want someone to yell at, and I happen to be the one who catches your hell-fury. F* that noise. I could take you in a fight any day, I don't care who you are. Let's just use this as a rule: if I was an angry drunken bastard, 7 feet tall, 375 pounds of pure muscle, and you ran into me at a bar, would you talk to me that same way? Didn't think so. Remember that too, cause I'm a hell of a lot meaner. I just choose not to use my wit to cut you to shreds, cause you are obviously unarmed in such a match...

Which brings me to the biggest one...

I am NOT your friend: We work together, but that doesn't mean we're like family or even friends. It means that we're stuck in the same damn prison together for 8 hours a day. Same rules apply: Trust no one, watch your back, and don't drop the soap. Maybe the last one only applies to me, cause I'm always the one who ends up getting.... you know...
You're a nice person. I might even want to sign your card when your lazy ass gets fired, but I'm not your friend. If you want a friend, find someone else you can stab in the back and spread gossip about when you get mad at them for stealing your favorite pen. I left junior high a few years ago, let me know when you do and maybe we can hang out together. Maybe...

My awesome son

This was the first time he tried spaghetti. He's been hooked ever since, and our tub has been plugged ever since...

My precious daughter

This is Kailey Jo Clark, and if you can't tell, she's tied for the cutest thing ever with my son and baby seals...